I’ve been thinking a lot about nursing positive habits and sitting with my thoughts (without the crippling panic about not being as far ahead as I should/want to be).

I’m not afraid to admit it. It’s been a struggle.

It feels like my anchor has just accidentally fallen off the edge of my boat, and I’m too weak to get it back up. Does that make sense?

I’m organizing

Most times (with some lazy exceptions), I take organization very seriously. This semester, like the last, I created a singular document where all my work for the semester lives (I am considering getting a flashdrive because I am paranoid). Doing this has helped me feel less overwhelmed by the particularly heavy workload of this still very lovely fall semester. My classes are also overlapping in “theme” so it’s definitely made everything feel more connected or at grasp (not seeing a million tabs or having multiple windows open is a bonus). I also paste all my blogs there so they can be easily accessed.

And, yes! I have created a thesis shell within that very space. Soon, it too will have more subtabs where this beautiful project of mine could manifest. 

I’m very dysfunctional as of late. But I am organized and that is making me feel less afraid of losing control.

I’ve also started using MindMeister to mindmap. I’ve, of course, mindmapped here and there, but having an editable version of my mind map (a space where I can move around questions & answers, ideas, topics at my leisure) seems more productive than having to constantly rewrite an updated one.

What I’ve been doing

After my meeting with Dr. Z last week, I feel slightly better where I’m heading. We discussed writing blogs pertaining to my work at College Steps so there I was, Friday morning, writing about what happened and what I noticed.

I think it’s too early to tell if there are any significant strings arising from that.

I have freewrote this week too. That arose from feeling frustrated with myself and my slight hardships with getting to work. It’s scary to struggle. 

I was actually thrown into teaching a “writing workshop” this week. My advisor had an important meeting for half of the period, so she decided that I’d get started on the winter showcase project with the students (they’re all writing letters to future them). 

Then, she left me to walk them all through it. It was scary, but for my first time “teaching,” I think it went pretty well. 

She printed out some prompts and filled in the blank worksheets to help the students get started. Most of the questions were very “bland.” Like where do you see yourself in the next 5 years. Very impersonal and lacking the investigative, reflective aspect of what it means to write to your future self. That’s one thing I noticed.

For the students that needed more help than others, I had to come over to them individually for some help. This was an exciting task because it allowed me to practice curiosity. Afterwards, I had them read out loud some of their answers. It’s always exciting to hear what they have to say, simply because learning about each of them individually (rather than a whole) teached me what I could do to be a better mentor (cause in this program we’re not technically teachers and not fully advisors either) for them.

Later that week, we had another period that revolved around expression where students wrote words of kindness for themselves and their peers. That was so sweet! And it was clear the students felt more connected afterwards. I noticed that too.

Honestly, I think I’m being clouded by my intense need to have it sorted out. It feels like it’s there, but I just can’t see it or something.

So, this past week has very much been a time-crunch kind of week.

My IRB submission came back with “Minor Stipulations.” I’ve since made most of the suggested revisions. However, I’m still waiting for permission from another university to use their evaluation tool. I suppose I was a little confused as to why I need permission, considering the form is publicly available online. Whatever.

Some of the other questions were about what I would do if people felt uncomfortable with me observing, and how I would make sure students didn’t feel uncomfortable. Like… imagine me saying that to my own administrator during a classroom observation. Some of these questions are kind of insane. Sorry, I’m not trying to diss the IRB, but come on now.

Anyways, my literature review is completed! I’m in the final stages of revising it, and I’m also preparing for my upcoming observations.

Now I’m starting to see what Dr. Zamora meant by there being hurdles…

So, I subscribe to the notion that “One should know thyself.” I had a feeling something would happen during this process that would change what I would want to do. I’ve spent these passed few weeks waiting for the other shoe to drop… and it finally happened.

What is this hypothetical shoe, you may ask, dear reader?

I think I might change my topic.

I figure it isn’t too bad that I change now before any ink dries.

While I enjoyed my original topic, I was running into 2 very big problems.

1. I hate AI too much. Going through the articles I realized, my biases are too strong. I noticed that I was really looking for articles and sources that were confirming what I already felt.
2. I was trying to think about how I could expand on this field or fill a niche. Now I figured the niche could be filled by the way I was framing it but I couldn’t really envision further expansion.

Now these were both things I was really ready to accept. I was pulling sources and stuff, working on the write up and everything was moving towards the final thesis, but then I got distracted inspired.

Basically, in my Thursday class we were talking about language as a form of power. I have strong feelings about that as well. Anyway, after I left class, I went on a 2 hour rant to my phone (I thought I was recording a voice memo— turns out, when I connect to my car, it turns off the recording. Made me want to blow my dome smooth off.) about that topic.

I am now in purgatory.

On one hand, I’ve got a bunch of resources and a blank canvas for the AI anthology. It’s also more creative. That being said, I think that it just seems like something fun but not as beneficial for my overall goals.

On the other hand, I have a bunch of stuff already done for the idea of language as a form of violence/oppression, and it seems like there’s more and more everyday. It is a topic I’m passionate about, and I think that there is plenty to expand on.

I’m gonna keep playing with both ideas and see which sticks.

Wish me luck, Dear Reader.

It’s been one thing after another. Butttttt… I did have a good start to my week. I left Monday’s class feeling determined and anxious to get my mind to work. Real work.

Tuesday was fun. Work was eventful (in a good way) and class was fruitful (I had a presentation!). Wednesday was once again eventful (in a good way!) and class was successful (I also had to talk in class for an extended period of time which was very stressful for me but I made it through!). Thursday it felt like I was reaching the home stretch (and then it all came crumbling down—I’m not sure what even happened internally myself.).

Anyway, Friday I had a concert to attend (Geese at Forest Hills Stadium) which by 2pm that day was met with anxious thoughts that made me say, maybe we shouldn’t go. Still, I went (feeling a bit bad about it but I knew it was for the better). I left feeling inspired.

Then on Saturday, I found out my grandpa was having an emergency atherectomy, which is an operation where a small incision is made in your arm for something like a small tube is inserted to remove plaque from your arteries. Wow. On top of that, my grandma (my grandparents are divorced) called to tell us that she wanted to quit her job of 20+ years (she works as nanny/assistant to this wealthy family in LA) and that she was planning to move in with us as soon as possible. Wow, again.

It was a lot (I thought I’d update, one, for processing purposes, and two, to give you all an understanding of why I am where I’m at (everyone is ok now).

Alright, now… back to talking about my thesis.

Here’s where my mind had been at.

At first, I really wanted to do something in the feminist studies area. I had read a lot of feminist literature/memoirs (I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman, The Women in Me by Britney Spears, Famesick by Lena Dunham, Men Explain Things to Me by Rachel Solnit, etc.) and pondered a lot about women and how their identities are used, controlled, limited, and so on.

But thinking about it became increasingly overwhelming, not only because there are sooooo many routes to choose from, but because, in full transparency, I know I would find myself coming from a place of anger rather than, well, any other feeling. This was like week 2-3 for me.

Then, as school and work life completely engulfed my thinking, I started reframing my thesis thoughts to Identity in general and at the same time, I became extremely inspired by my job at College Steps. One of my students wrote a poem during what we call a “session of expression.” They’re usually veryyyyyyyyyy quiet when speaking but when they stood in front of the class they read their poem (which was about their strengths/what they’re good at) loud, confidently. I didn’t know what to make of it in and even after that moment. It was sublime.

I was inspired. 

Anyway, back to last Monday. Sarah shared she used voice to text to get her thinking down. I shared that I didn’t know how successful that’d be for me (I’ve used voice notes to rant or get random ideas down, but getting myself to do some serious thinking, well… I didn’t know how to start).

But when I left class, I felt an unusual desire to do so (super surprising to meeee). So I did it. I spoke to my phone about what I’ve read (particularly about bell hooks), my work at college steps, the writing workshop and ways I could relate that to my work this year, etc.

And this came out: using voice to amplify identity in academic spaces. 

It’s funny to go back to that video and see how what I’ve said hit me. 

I also expressed certain worries: How could I use that space, if I don’t feel super well-versed in the disability studies area? A class I took in early undergrad called Human Exceptionality deepened my knowledge about disabilities in general, but that feels like it was ages ago. I know this is something I know can be mended by doing a lot of reading, but getting started is a bit harder than I expected.

I also know that this project sets the scene for where I’ll be years from now. Academically, I mean. Still, I feel determined in some unfamiliar way to make all of this work. There’s a reason opportunities present themselves, now it’s my job to fit the pieces of the puzzle together (no matter how overwhelming that is to do).

P.S. I’m still trying my best to keep walking and freewriting. Didn’t happen too much this week and when it did, I didn’t get too much out of it. Still trying.

Here’s a song from the band (cameron winter, who is the lead singer, performed some songs from his solo record at carnegie hall which was beyondddd):

Bye! Adamari 10/5/2026

Being sick pushed me back on work by a LOT. I thought I was gonna get ahead on things, I did not. I feel a little behind on other stuff, but oh well.

I did find some new articles to add to my lit review. I wasn’t able to dive deep into if I will use them yet. When reviewing things to make blog one I notice that, in doing so many things with so many disabilities, I only got the social media side of amputees. I wanted to get more representation on them, since I feel like it is a thing that characters lose limbs and just get a metal replacement of some kind like it is nothing. And thank goodness I wanted to expand a bit because I think I found good stuff.

It took forever to find what COULD be good stuff, as I did what Craig showed us and expanded the search to include all kinds of terms related to what I was looking for. “amputee or amputation or limb loss or prosthetic or prosthetics or prosthesis or prostheses”.
Let me tell you. There was a lot of out there stuff for what people thought of for prosthetic or prosthesis. Interesting stuff, sure, but a looooot of stuff I was not looking for at all cause I was looking for the real deal. Or so I thought.

“The Shape of Air: American Sign Language as Narrative Prosthesis in 21st Century North American Media” by Pamela J Kincheloe. Didn’t read it in full, but seems like a great pull.
The deaf community is a hard one as some do believe that hearing aids and such are a huge sin to do since it makes you hear. It is a whole thing, big fights in the community on getting hearing aids or not, but sign language being brought up in this way is interesting. Not fully what I was looking for but caught my eye as the deaf community got a lot going on.

“Prosthetic fantasies: loss, recovery, and the marketing of wholeness after
breast cancer” by Samantha Crompvoets. This was more of what I was looking for. Based on the abstract, I can tell I will use this paper. “In this paper, I show that the breast prosthesis is marketed as a device that aligns the post-surgical body with wellness and normalcy.” I also liked “the powerful influence of prostheses manufacturers who link traditional notions of how the female body should look and act with recovery from a breast cancer crisis”. Right what I was thinking, that some medical devices are sold to make people go back to fitting what humans “normally” look like, even though the person might not want these medical devices.

I found one that caught my eye because I love the movie. “Fishlegs’s Journey: Acknowledged and Unacknowledged Stigma in the How to Train Your Dragon Book Series” by Cath Nichols. Again, the abstract caught my attention “In a best-selling book series by Cressida Cowell, Fishlegs is a Viking runt—a weak baby
cast on the oceans for the gods to decide his fate. He is skinny, has asthma and eczema, wears broken glasses, and is clumsy. On screen, he is non-disabled (though overweight), and appears with several likeable characters who have prosthetic limbs, including the anti-hero Hiccup; the villain Alvin is now non-disabled”. I did have the first book at some point, and not gonna lie I do not remember this at all. That is kinda a whole other paper, characters in books not translating into their movie selves, but hey this person already wrote that paper for HTTYD so. Just another thing going against disabilities it seems. One I didn’t even consider, how some books might have disabled characters but that isn’t shown in the movies. Interesting idea.

That was sadly all I could find there and I skimmed 100 articles so far. Like I said, looots of interpretive stuff on what is a prosthetic. Loooots. And four I put in the maybe pile.

“What Is Disability Studies to Make of Fetal Amputee and Cosplayer Laura Vaughn and Her Emulation of Female Warrior, Imperator Furiosa of Mad Max: Fury Road?” By Sue Smith had some quotes I may use, just based on a quick skim. “And I have NEVER seen a physically disabled, kickass, female lead character in a Hollywood movie EVER— not once, until yesterday”. “‘NO. ONE. EVER. FEELS. SORRY. FOR. HER. BECAUSE. OF. HER. DISABILITY.’—nor is ‘Her body […] a plot point. It is simply allowed to be.'” “For Vaughn, Furiosa is powerful precisely because her “missing hand is never mentioned in dialogue […] her prosthetic is realistic [… and] there is no tragic backstory regarding her missing limb.” Instead, Furiosa’s “missing limb” or
“nubbins” as Vaughn calls it, is simply part of her physical being, which she
uses to full advantage.”

Now yall better listen to Craig cause I searched every one of these words separately and got like five results. But for some reason I put it all together, “disfigurement or deformity or deformities or disfigure representation in media” and I get 140 results. Idk why it hates me but whatever. Literally none of the good stuff showed when I searched “deformity” on its own.

Anyways, “B(e)aring the Beast: Deformity, Animality, and the Ableist Gaze in French Literary Variants of ‘Beauty and the Beast'” by Adrion Dula. A quick skim and I can see this will be something I can use “the fairy tale in particular employs metaphorical language and concretizes the ideas presented into literal meaning; thus, a character whose actions are beastly is narrated in anthropomorphic or zoomorphic terms, and internal deficiencies are often rendered externally: ‘In
fairy tales, the hero escapes the tiresome clichés of reality by entering a world
where the figurative or metaphorical dimension of language takes on literal
meaning. Ideas become matter. The mother or stepmother who is like an
ogress at the beginning of a tale becomes an actual witch. . . . Such literalizations of metaphors can at times translate into grotesque effects'”. “As Schmiesing
has shown in her analysis of disability in the Grimms’ fairy tales, disability and
physical impairment in particular are often used to elucidate the lack of moral
virtue of characters or as punishment of fairy-tale villains”. Seems good to me.

“Mary Shelley’s ‘Hideous Progeny:’ Readaptation and (Textual) Deformity in Two Recent Frankenstein Films” by Paul Mitchell. First sentence of the abstract, “In this article, I discuss two recent films, Frankenstein (Kevin Connor 2004) and Victor Frankenstein (Paul McGuigan 2015), in terms of how they represent disability for mainstream television and cinema spectators.” But you can’t just go off the first sentence. So, I also go off of these “More specifically, my analysis illustrates how the visual depiction of the Creature in Connor’s Frankenstein serves to maintain a nondisabled gaze. Although the film subverts the typical conflation of a character’s atypical body with a malevolent disposition, it does not, in fact, disrupt the longstanding ableist paradigm that views disability as monstrous”. And I like.

I will say EBSCO be lying. I say full text and sometimes it shows me articles but doesn’t have the full text. So I get my hopes up. Would’ve had so many more articles if this thing wasn’t a fricken liar.

But yeah after many different key searches and looking through a lot of weird out there interesting stuff, I found those possible articles. Wish I wasn’t sickly so I could’ve actually locked in and got more done than just finding the articles, but I guess I will save actually reading them for another time.

One of the major things I’ve learned in my time here at Kean is that there can be some fun in the work we do for school. I can say with confidence this is not one of those times. Starting a lit review is honestly a chore. Once you get some momentum it does gets better but boy, that first week or two is a slog. Finding articles and resources is one thing, knowing you have to wade through them. I know its a process, but its a process that does not have much appeal at the start.

Ok. I’m done whining. This week I began my lit review. It was uneventful really. Looking at my research project from last semester I found that almost 10 articles I picked out then might still have a place in this project which is nice. Though that probably will change since I’ll have to read through them again for this project. In starting the review, I do feel like I am making progress toward my overarching inquiry for my thesis. Although my progress does feel like baby steps in a lot of cases, I’ll take it over no progress at all. I believe I have found about 3-4 articles that may have a place in my project, but only time will tell. This part of the process is a slog, no way around it, but things could be worse. I could have a presentation coming up….oh wait.

Looking at this coming week I want to just keep the ball rolling as much as possible. With my presentation next week (boy I wish I did not choose the first one this time) I need to make sure all my ducks are in a row and that I have something good to show the class. I want to continue to find sources and get to at least 13-15 by the end of the week. Big goals but I feel like I can manage that (and if I don’t I just get what I can done).

In terms of time management Ive been a bit better this last week in being consistent and using my time wisely. I want to keep up this effort and not fall into relaxing when there is more work to do. Hopeful this week is as good as the last one. See y’all Monday.

This week was a bit challenging for me. I spent Monday with a migraine, and then on Tuesday I found out I was being observed right after Columbus Day. So, naturally, my co-teacher and created this great lesson, and I spent 9 hours at work yesterday laminating materials, and I still haven’t even cut anything out yet…

So, in terms of my actual thesis update? Here is my progress:

Status Update

• Literature Review – 65%??
  • Introduction – 100% Completed
  • Literature Review Section – 11/25 Sources & Annotations Completed
  • Methodology & Analysis – 100% Completed
• IRB Approval Process – 50%?
  • Application Submitted
• Living Project Description – Ongoing
  • 100% Up-to-Date
• Faculty Letter – 100%
  • 100% Completed
• Consent Form, Pre-Observation Form, Evaluation Models, all Completed

I also have four tentative observations scheduled! Woohoo!

Now, I just have to finish my Lit Review, and await my IRB approval.

Looking forward to being in class next week. Hopefully there is no traffic! (There will be…)

This week was one of a kind (in a good and bad way). I’ve done much more thinking since last week’s class and I have to say… I’m getting the feeling this could be something (good).

I’ll start with the good. At the beginning of the week, I was still walking, still thinking and writing (a little less than last week but I’ll hold out grace… it was a busy week).

Working at College Steps this semester (which, for those who don’t know, is a program that supports students with disabilities as they aim to become matriculated here at Kean), has been pretty fulfilling. Inspiring even.

This past week, one of the lead mentors suggested to one of the program coordinators that I should hold a writing workshop during one of the free periods of the day. I, of course, was happy to accept because in the weeks leading up to that moment, I already had an inkling I would be exploring that space as a possible route for my thesis project.

That idea was supported even further by my liking of bell hooks the past week.

But all my thinking was put to a halt as I awoke Friday morning with a sore throat and a flood warning. I was sleepy and sick all weekend, praying I wouldn’t have to get up to help carry all the things from my basement upstairs (We’re victims of Hurricane Sandy and Ida).

I’m looking forward to how tonight’s class may help with the unraveling of my mind. Till then

adamari 9/28/2026