I guess part of being in an accountability club is admitting my faults and my fears, so here I go:

There have been plenty of academic and social stressors, but this blog, in hopes of making myself feel a bit better, I want to highlight the things I have done.

• Read a bit more of “Teaching to Transgress” by bell hooks
  • I went to one of my fav independent bookstore (Montclair Book Center) and they told me it’d cost $50+ to order it :0 (I didn’t buy it, but I did use the opportunity to pick up “All About Love” by Bell Hooks (which I was glad to learn wasn’t solely about romantic love)). Instead of paying $50, I downloaded a free copy on my Kindle
• Two or three weeks ago I found this reading: Identity Affirming Classrooms: Spaces that Center Humanity By Erica Buchanan-Rivera.
  • Rivera talks a lot about environment and how your identity matters to the space you create as an educator:

I guess part of being in an accountability club is admitting my faults and my fears, so here I go:

There have been plenty of academic and social stressors. I won’t dwell on them too much. This blog, in the spirit of making myself feel a bit better, I want to highlight the things I have done.

• Read a bit more of “Teaching to Transgress” by bell hooks
  • I went to one of my fav independent bookstore (Montclair Book Center) and they told me it’d cost $50+ to order it :0 (I didn’t buy it, but I did use the opportunity to pick up “All About Love” by Bell Hooks (which I was glad to learn wasn’t solely about romantic love)). Instead of paying $50, I downloaded a free copy on my Kindle
• Two or three weeks ago I found this reading: Identity Affirming Classrooms: Spaces that Center Humanity By Erica Buchanan-Rivera.
  • Rivera talks a lot about environment and how your identity matters to the space you create as an educator:

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• Through Rivera, I found The Hundred Languages of Children by Carolyn Edwards, Lella Gandini, and George Forman. It’s an early ed framework more than anything, but I’ve discovered that it’s quite influential.
• I’ve kept readings from my Writing Theory & Practice class in mind
  • Alexander & Gibson on uncovering understanding of identity & its construction—the more difficult process
  • Huber on how there is no singular voice, but many we encompass when we write. Understanding all are imperative to understanding the self—voice as a flame
  • Chung on expressive writing and how everyone wished to be heard, how processing helps the self become more embodied, conscious/mindful, and open.
    • (This are all just rough summaries of the readings)

Two weeks ago, during my meeting with Dr. Z, we made a plan to start writing blogs after a work week at College Steps (my inspiration for this thesis project). I can’t say writing them have led me to too many discoveries, but it has reaffirmed one thing: when we ask students questions about themselves, task them with creating projects with those things in mind, and tell them to share them with the class, there’s a sort of glimmer in the air that simply wasn’t there before. I hear their voices. I learn more about them. We learn more about each other. There’s a new sense of connection. And it’s all motivating (for them as students and as people to continue forth & for a motivation for inspiration—if that makes any sense).

I don’t know what my project will be yet. The question that I am going to ask (and yes, that is making me panic!), but I have a strange feeling that when I figure it out, it’ll be great.

(In other words, help me!)

Adamari Peralta 10/19/2026

I’ve been thinking a lot about nursing positive habits and sitting with my thoughts (without the crippling panic about not being as far ahead as I should/want to be).

I’m not afraid to admit it. It’s been a struggle.

It feels like my anchor has just accidentally fallen off the edge of my boat, and I’m too weak to get it back up. Does that make sense?

I’m organizing

Most times (with some lazy exceptions), I take organization very seriously. This semester, like the last, I created a singular document where all my work for the semester lives (I am considering getting a flashdrive because I am paranoid). Doing this has helped me feel less overwhelmed by the particularly heavy workload of this still very lovely fall semester. My classes are also overlapping in “theme” so it’s definitely made everything feel more connected or at grasp (not seeing a million tabs or having multiple windows open is a bonus). I also paste all my blogs there so they can be easily accessed.

And, yes! I have created a thesis shell within that very space. Soon, it too will have more subtabs where this beautiful project of mine could manifest. 

I’m very dysfunctional as of late. But I am organized and that is making me feel less afraid of losing control.

I’ve also started using MindMeister to mindmap. I’ve, of course, mindmapped here and there, but having an editable version of my mind map (a space where I can move around questions & answers, ideas, topics at my leisure) seems more productive than having to constantly rewrite an updated one.

What I’ve been doing

After my meeting with Dr. Z last week, I feel slightly better where I’m heading. We discussed writing blogs pertaining to my work at College Steps so there I was, Friday morning, writing about what happened and what I noticed.

I think it’s too early to tell if there are any significant strings arising from that.

I have freewrote this week too. That arose from feeling frustrated with myself and my slight hardships with getting to work. It’s scary to struggle. 

I was actually thrown into teaching a “writing workshop” this week. My advisor had an important meeting for half of the period, so she decided that I’d get started on the winter showcase project with the students (they’re all writing letters to future them). 

Then, she left me to walk them all through it. It was scary, but for my first time “teaching,” I think it went pretty well. 

She printed out some prompts and filled in the blank worksheets to help the students get started. Most of the questions were very “bland.” Like where do you see yourself in the next 5 years. Very impersonal and lacking the investigative, reflective aspect of what it means to write to your future self. That’s one thing I noticed.

For the students that needed more help than others, I had to come over to them individually for some help. This was an exciting task because it allowed me to practice curiosity. Afterwards, I had them read out loud some of their answers. It’s always exciting to hear what they have to say, simply because learning about each of them individually (rather than a whole) teached me what I could do to be a better mentor (cause in this program we’re not technically teachers and not fully advisors either) for them.

Later that week, we had another period that revolved around expression where students wrote words of kindness for themselves and their peers. That was so sweet! And it was clear the students felt more connected afterwards. I noticed that too.

Honestly, I think I’m being clouded by my intense need to have it sorted out. It feels like it’s there, but I just can’t see it or something.

It’s been one thing after another. Butttttt… I did have a good start to my week. I left Monday’s class feeling determined and anxious to get my mind to work. Real work.

Tuesday was fun. Work was eventful (in a good way) and class was fruitful (I had a presentation!). Wednesday was once again eventful (in a good way!) and class was successful (I also had to talk in class for an extended period of time which was very stressful for me but I made it through!). Thursday it felt like I was reaching the home stretch (and then it all came crumbling down—I’m not sure what even happened internally myself.).

Anyway, Friday I had a concert to attend (Geese at Forest Hills Stadium) which by 2pm that day was met with anxious thoughts that made me say, maybe we shouldn’t go. Still, I went (feeling a bit bad about it but I knew it was for the better). I left feeling inspired.

Then on Saturday, I found out my grandpa was having an emergency atherectomy, which is an operation where a small incision is made in your arm for something like a small tube is inserted to remove plaque from your arteries. Wow. On top of that, my grandma (my grandparents are divorced) called to tell us that she wanted to quit her job of 20+ years (she works as nanny/assistant to this wealthy family in LA) and that she was planning to move in with us as soon as possible. Wow, again.

It was a lot (I thought I’d update, one, for processing purposes, and two, to give you all an understanding of why I am where I’m at (everyone is ok now).

Alright, now… back to talking about my thesis.

Here’s where my mind had been at.

At first, I really wanted to do something in the feminist studies area. I had read a lot of feminist literature/memoirs (I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman, The Women in Me by Britney Spears, Famesick by Lena Dunham, Men Explain Things to Me by Rachel Solnit, etc.) and pondered a lot about women and how their identities are used, controlled, limited, and so on.

But thinking about it became increasingly overwhelming, not only because there are sooooo many routes to choose from, but because, in full transparency, I know I would find myself coming from a place of anger rather than, well, any other feeling. This was like week 2-3 for me.

Then, as school and work life completely engulfed my thinking, I started reframing my thesis thoughts to Identity in general and at the same time, I became extremely inspired by my job at College Steps. One of my students wrote a poem during what we call a “session of expression.” They’re usually veryyyyyyyyyy quiet when speaking but when they stood in front of the class they read their poem (which was about their strengths/what they’re good at) loud, confidently. I didn’t know what to make of it in and even after that moment. It was sublime.

I was inspired. 

Anyway, back to last Monday. Sarah shared she used voice to text to get her thinking down. I shared that I didn’t know how successful that’d be for me (I’ve used voice notes to rant or get random ideas down, but getting myself to do some serious thinking, well… I didn’t know how to start).

But when I left class, I felt an unusual desire to do so (super surprising to meeee). So I did it. I spoke to my phone about what I’ve read (particularly about bell hooks), my work at college steps, the writing workshop and ways I could relate that to my work this year, etc.

And this came out: using voice to amplify identity in academic spaces. 

It’s funny to go back to that video and see how what I’ve said hit me. 

I also expressed certain worries: How could I use that space, if I don’t feel super well-versed in the disability studies area? A class I took in early undergrad called Human Exceptionality deepened my knowledge about disabilities in general, but that feels like it was ages ago. I know this is something I know can be mended by doing a lot of reading, but getting started is a bit harder than I expected.

I also know that this project sets the scene for where I’ll be years from now. Academically, I mean. Still, I feel determined in some unfamiliar way to make all of this work. There’s a reason opportunities present themselves, now it’s my job to fit the pieces of the puzzle together (no matter how overwhelming that is to do).

P.S. I’m still trying my best to keep walking and freewriting. Didn’t happen too much this week and when it did, I didn’t get too much out of it. Still trying.

Here’s a song from the band (cameron winter, who is the lead singer, performed some songs from his solo record at carnegie hall which was beyondddd):

Bye! Adamari 10/5/2026

This week was one of a kind (in a good and bad way). I’ve done much more thinking since last week’s class and I have to say… I’m getting the feeling this could be something (good).

I’ll start with the good. At the beginning of the week, I was still walking, still thinking and writing (a little less than last week but I’ll hold out grace… it was a busy week).

Working at College Steps this semester (which, for those who don’t know, is a program that supports students with disabilities as they aim to become matriculated here at Kean), has been pretty fulfilling. Inspiring even.

This past week, one of the lead mentors suggested to one of the program coordinators that I should hold a writing workshop during one of the free periods of the day. I, of course, was happy to accept because in the weeks leading up to that moment, I already had an inkling I would be exploring that space as a possible route for my thesis project.

That idea was supported even further by my liking of bell hooks the past week.

But all my thinking was put to a halt as I awoke Friday morning with a sore throat and a flood warning. I was sleepy and sick all weekend, praying I wouldn’t have to get up to help carry all the things from my basement upstairs (We’re victims of Hurricane Sandy and Ida).

I’m looking forward to how tonight’s class may help with the unraveling of my mind. Till then

adamari 9/28/2026