I’ve been thinking a lot about nursing positive habits and sitting with my thoughts (without the crippling panic about not being as far ahead as I should/want to be).

I’m not afraid to admit it. It’s been a struggle.

It feels like my anchor has just accidentally fallen off the edge of my boat, and I’m too weak to get it back up. Does that make sense?

I’m organizing

Most times (with some lazy exceptions), I take organization very seriously. This semester, like the last, I created a singular document where all my work for the semester lives (I am considering getting a flashdrive because I am paranoid). Doing this has helped me feel less overwhelmed by the particularly heavy workload of this still very lovely fall semester. My classes are also overlapping in “theme” so it’s definitely made everything feel more connected or at grasp (not seeing a million tabs or having multiple windows open is a bonus). I also paste all my blogs there so they can be easily accessed.

And, yes! I have created a thesis shell within that very space. Soon, it too will have more subtabs where this beautiful project of mine could manifest. 

I’m very dysfunctional as of late. But I am organized and that is making me feel less afraid of losing control.

I’ve also started using MindMeister to mindmap. I’ve, of course, mindmapped here and there, but having an editable version of my mind map (a space where I can move around questions & answers, ideas, topics at my leisure) seems more productive than having to constantly rewrite an updated one.

What I’ve been doing

After my meeting with Dr. Z last week, I feel slightly better where I’m heading. We discussed writing blogs pertaining to my work at College Steps so there I was, Friday morning, writing about what happened and what I noticed.

I think it’s too early to tell if there are any significant strings arising from that.

I have freewrote this week too. That arose from feeling frustrated with myself and my slight hardships with getting to work. It’s scary to struggle. 

I was actually thrown into teaching a “writing workshop” this week. My advisor had an important meeting for half of the period, so she decided that I’d get started on the winter showcase project with the students (they’re all writing letters to future them). 

Then, she left me to walk them all through it. It was scary, but for my first time “teaching,” I think it went pretty well. 

She printed out some prompts and filled in the blank worksheets to help the students get started. Most of the questions were very “bland.” Like where do you see yourself in the next 5 years. Very impersonal and lacking the investigative, reflective aspect of what it means to write to your future self. That’s one thing I noticed.

For the students that needed more help than others, I had to come over to them individually for some help. This was an exciting task because it allowed me to practice curiosity. Afterwards, I had them read out loud some of their answers. It’s always exciting to hear what they have to say, simply because learning about each of them individually (rather than a whole) teached me what I could do to be a better mentor (cause in this program we’re not technically teachers and not fully advisors either) for them.

Later that week, we had another period that revolved around expression where students wrote words of kindness for themselves and their peers. That was so sweet! And it was clear the students felt more connected afterwards. I noticed that too.

Honestly, I think I’m being clouded by my intense need to have it sorted out. It feels like it’s there, but I just can’t see it or something.

So, this past week has very much been a time-crunch kind of week.

My IRB submission came back with “Minor Stipulations.” I’ve since made most of the suggested revisions. However, I’m still waiting for permission from another university to use their evaluation tool. I suppose I was a little confused as to why I need permission, considering the form is publicly available online. Whatever.

Some of the other questions were about what I would do if people felt uncomfortable with me observing, and how I would make sure students didn’t feel uncomfortable. Like… imagine me saying that to my own administrator during a classroom observation. Some of these questions are kind of insane. Sorry, I’m not trying to diss the IRB, but come on now.

Anyways, my literature review is completed! I’m in the final stages of revising it, and I’m also preparing for my upcoming observations.

Now I’m starting to see what Dr. Zamora meant by there being hurdles…