So, I subscribe to the notion that “One should know thyself.” I had a feeling something would happen during this process that would change what I would want to do. I’ve spent these passed few weeks waiting for the other shoe to drop… and it finally happened.
What is this hypothetical shoe, you may ask, dear reader?
I think I might change my topic.
I figure it isn’t too bad that I change now before any ink dries.
While I enjoyed my original topic, I was running into 2 very big problems.
I hate AI too much. Going through the articles I realized, my biases are too strong. I noticed that I was really looking for articles and sources that were confirming what I already felt.
I was trying to think about how I could expand on this field or fill a niche. Now I figured the niche could be filled by the way I was framing it but I couldn’t really envision further expansion.
Now these were both things I was really ready to accept. I was pulling sources and stuff, working on the write up and everything was moving towards the final thesis, but then I got distracted inspired.
Basically, in my Thursday class we were talking about language as a form of power. I have strong feelings about that as well. Anyway, after I left class, I went on a 2 hour rant to my phone (I thought I was recording a voice memo— turns out, when I connect to my car, it turns off the recording. Made me want to blow my dome smooth off.) about that topic.
I am now in purgatory.
On one hand, I’ve got a bunch of resources and a blank canvas for the AI anthology. It’s also more creative. That being said, I think that it just seems like something fun but not as beneficial for my overall goals.
On the other hand, I have a bunch of stuff already done for the idea of language as a form of violence/oppression, and it seems like there’s more and more everyday. It is a topic I’m passionate about, and I think that there is plenty to expand on.
I’m gonna keep playing with both ideas and see which sticks.
Part I of my thesis was supposed to be completed by the beginning of October, and although I am slightly behind where I originally hoped to be, I finally feel like I am moving into the part of this process that I have been most excited about. Getting through theory is always difficult for me. I understand how necessary it is, especially for grounding the arguments I want to make, but working through theoretical material takes a different kind of attention than analyzing the texts themselves. Now that I have made it through much of that foundation, I can finally turn more of my attention toward analyzing my readings and source material.
This is the part I have been looking forward to because I genuinely love these pieces in different ways and could probably speak about each of them endlessly. Ironically, that has also made the process more difficult. The challenge has not been figuring out what I want to say, but deciding what I should not say. I had to narrow my focus and choose specific sections of the episode and readings that will allow me to develop the argument without trying to analyze everything at once. I finally feel like I have made those decisions, which has made the writing feel much more manageable.
My goal is to have this section completed by the end of the week. Now that I have submitted all of my students’ grades, I have intentionally designated time and attention specifically for my thesis. I am realizing that this semester requires me to be much more deliberate about protecting that time.
For some reason, all of the semesters before this one seemed easier to manage. This school year has only just begun, and I already feel tired and somewhat burnt out. Part of that may be because I have more than forty additional students compared to last year, along with juniors who somehow already seem to have developed senioritis. Balancing teaching, grading, planning, and my own graduate work has definitely been more demanding than I anticipated.
Still, December is slowly approaching, and I can finally see the end of the tunnel. There is something motivating about knowing that I am getting closer not only to completing this section, but to completing the degree itself. For now, I am trying to focus less on how exhausted I feel and more on the fact that I have finally reached the part of the thesis that reminds me why I chose this project in the first place.
This was the busiest September of my academic career and I still feel as if I didn’t do enough. But for this week, I sat down and compiled what I could find through the library on the topic of escapism. I was pleasantly surprised to see there was more than I expected. The vast majority of research on the subject is in relation to people who play video games. The term “hikikomori” even popped up, which I am surprised to see in an academic context. It refers to people who severely self-isolate and don’t do any kind of work or studying, originating in Japan because of large number of individuals who’d given up on forming real life connections.
I didn’t find anything in relation to bookworms about escapism. There are some few and far between articles about fandom spaces, but I don’t think I want to cover that aspect in my research. Fandom is a form of community regardless of its downsides. BookTok isn’t as deeply devoted to the book series to create fandom spaces (though there are some exceptions, like Sarah J Mass’ series). I did find one article about brainrot induced by AI micro-dramas, which I think is something I’d like to link to my research into popular tropes. I also found an article about the readership base of webnovel fans, which is a reader base that also prefers specific tropes like characters “leveling-up” their powers or traveling back in time to fix mistakes. I think BookTok belongs with this highly sought after type of trope-ism.
Also, I made a mind map like I promised in last week’s blog. I’m not sure it helped me narrow down my thesis, but at least I can use it to explain where my thinking is. We’re trying to get to publishing industry bias from all of these concepts.
It’s been one thing after another. Butttttt… I did have a good start to my week. I left Monday’s class feeling determined and anxious to get my mind to work. Real work.
Tuesday was fun. Work was eventful (in a good way) and class was fruitful (I had a presentation!). Wednesday was once again eventful (in a good way!) and class was successful (I also had to talk in class for an extended period of time which was very stressful for me but I made it through!). Thursday it felt like I was reaching the home stretch (and then it all came crumbling down—I’m not sure what even happened internally myself.).
Anyway, Friday I had a concert to attend (Geese at Forest Hills Stadium) which by 2pm that day was met with anxious thoughts that made me say, maybe we shouldn’t go. Still, I went (feeling a bit bad about it but I knew it was for the better). I left feeling inspired.
Then on Saturday, I found out my grandpa was having an emergency atherectomy, which is an operation where a small incision is made in your arm for something like a small tube is inserted to remove plaque from your arteries. Wow. On top of that, my grandma (my grandparents are divorced) called to tell us that she wanted to quit her job of 20+ years (she works as nanny/assistant to this wealthy family in LA) and that she was planning to move in with us as soon as possible. Wow, again.
It was a lot (I thought I’d update, one, for processing purposes, and two, to give you all an understanding of why I am where I’m at (everyone is ok now).
Alright, now… back to talking about my thesis.
Here’s where my mind had been at.
At first, I really wanted to do something in the feminist studies area. I had read a lot of feminist literature/memoirs (I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman, The Women in Me by Britney Spears, Famesick by Lena Dunham, Men Explain Things to Me by Rachel Solnit, etc.) and pondered a lot about women and how their identities are used, controlled, limited, and so on.
But thinking about it became increasingly overwhelming, not only because there are sooooo many routes to choose from, but because, in full transparency, I know I would find myself coming from a place of anger rather than, well, any other feeling. This was like week 2-3 for me.
Then, as school and work life completely engulfed my thinking, I started reframing my thesis thoughts to Identity in general and at the same time, I became extremely inspired by my job at College Steps. One of my students wrote a poem during what we call a “session of expression.” They’re usually veryyyyyyyyyy quiet when speaking but when they stood in front of the class they read their poem (which was about their strengths/what they’re good at) loud, confidently. I didn’t know what to make of it in and even after that moment. It was sublime.
I was inspired.
Anyway, back to last Monday. Sarah shared she used voice to text to get her thinking down. I shared that I didn’t know how successful that’d be for me (I’ve used voice notes to rant or get random ideas down, but getting myself to do some serious thinking, well… I didn’t know how to start).
But when I left class, I felt an unusual desire to do so (super surprising to meeee). So I did it. I spoke to my phone about what I’ve read (particularly about bell hooks), my work at college steps, the writing workshop and ways I could relate that to my work this year, etc.
And this came out: using voice to amplify identity in academic spaces.
It’s funny to go back to that video and see how what I’ve said hit me.
I also expressed certain worries: How could I use that space, if I don’t feel super well-versed in the disability studies area? A class I took in early undergrad called Human Exceptionality deepened my knowledge about disabilities in general, but that feels like it was ages ago. I know this is something I know can be mended by doing a lot of reading, but getting started is a bit harder than I expected.
I also know that this project sets the scene for where I’ll be years from now. Academically, I mean. Still, I feel determined in some unfamiliar way to make all of this work. There’s a reason opportunities present themselves, now it’s my job to fit the pieces of the puzzle together (no matter how overwhelming that is to do).
P.S. I’m still trying my best to keep walking and freewriting. Didn’t happen too much this week and when it did, I didn’t get too much out of it. Still trying.
Here’s a song from the band (cameron winter, who is the lead singer, performed some songs from his solo record at carnegie hall which was beyondddd):
Being sick pushed me back on work by a LOT. I thought I was gonna get ahead on things, I did not. I feel a little behind on other stuff, but oh well.
I did find some new articles to add to my lit review. I wasn’t able to dive deep into if I will use them yet. When reviewing things to make blog one I notice that, in doing so many things with so many disabilities, I only got the social media side of amputees. I wanted to get more representation on them, since I feel like it is a thing that characters lose limbs and just get a metal replacement of some kind like it is nothing. And thank goodness I wanted to expand a bit because I think I found good stuff.
It took forever to find what COULD be good stuff, as I did what Craig showed us and expanded the search to include all kinds of terms related to what I was looking for. “amputee or amputation or limb loss or prosthetic or prosthetics or prosthesis or prostheses”. Let me tell you. There was a lot of out there stuff for what people thought of for prosthetic or prosthesis. Interesting stuff, sure, but a looooot of stuff I was not looking for at all cause I was looking for the real deal. Or so I thought.
“The Shape of Air: American Sign Language as Narrative Prosthesis in 21st Century North American Media” by Pamela J Kincheloe. Didn’t read it in full, but seems like a great pull. The deaf community is a hard one as some do believe that hearing aids and such are a huge sin to do since it makes you hear. It is a whole thing, big fights in the community on getting hearing aids or not, but sign language being brought up in this way is interesting. Not fully what I was looking for but caught my eye as the deaf community got a lot going on.
“Prosthetic fantasies: loss, recovery, and the marketing of wholeness after breast cancer” by Samantha Crompvoets. This was more of what I was looking for. Based on the abstract, I can tell I will use this paper. “In this paper, I show that the breast prosthesis is marketed as a device that aligns the post-surgical body with wellness and normalcy.” I also liked “the powerful influence of prostheses manufacturers who link traditional notions of how the female body should look and act with recovery from a breast cancer crisis”. Right what I was thinking, that some medical devices are sold to make people go back to fitting what humans “normally” look like, even though the person might not want these medical devices.
I found one that caught my eye because I love the movie. “Fishlegs’s Journey: Acknowledged and Unacknowledged Stigma in the How to Train Your Dragon Book Series” by Cath Nichols. Again, the abstract caught my attention “In a best-selling book series by Cressida Cowell, Fishlegs is a Viking runt—a weak baby cast on the oceans for the gods to decide his fate. He is skinny, has asthma and eczema, wears broken glasses, and is clumsy. On screen, he is non-disabled (though overweight), and appears with several likeable characters who have prosthetic limbs, including the anti-hero Hiccup; the villain Alvin is now non-disabled”. I did have the first book at some point, and not gonna lie I do not remember this at all. That is kinda a whole other paper, characters in books not translating into their movie selves, but hey this person already wrote that paper for HTTYD so. Just another thing going against disabilities it seems. One I didn’t even consider, how some books might have disabled characters but that isn’t shown in the movies. Interesting idea.
That was sadly all I could find there and I skimmed 100 articles so far. Like I said, looots of interpretive stuff on what is a prosthetic. Loooots. And four I put in the maybe pile.
“What Is Disability Studies to Make of Fetal Amputee and Cosplayer Laura Vaughn and Her Emulation of Female Warrior, Imperator Furiosa of Mad Max: Fury Road?” By Sue Smith had some quotes I may use, just based on a quick skim. “And I have NEVER seen a physically disabled, kickass, female lead character in a Hollywood movie EVER— not once, until yesterday”. “‘NO. ONE. EVER. FEELS. SORRY. FOR. HER. BECAUSE. OF. HER. DISABILITY.’—nor is ‘Her body […] a plot point. It is simply allowed to be.'” “For Vaughn, Furiosa is powerful precisely because her “missing hand is never mentioned in dialogue […] her prosthetic is realistic [… and] there is no tragic backstory regarding her missing limb.” Instead, Furiosa’s “missing limb” or “nubbins” as Vaughn calls it, is simply part of her physical being, which she uses to full advantage.”
Now yall better listen to Craig cause I searched every one of these words separately and got like five results. But for some reason I put it all together, “disfigurement or deformity or deformities or disfigure representation in media” and I get 140 results. Idk why it hates me but whatever. Literally none of the good stuff showed when I searched “deformity” on its own.
Anyways, “B(e)aring the Beast: Deformity, Animality, and the Ableist Gaze in French Literary Variants of ‘Beauty and the Beast'” by Adrion Dula. A quick skim and I can see this will be something I can use “the fairy tale in particular employs metaphorical language and concretizes the ideas presented into literal meaning; thus, a character whose actions are beastly is narrated in anthropomorphic or zoomorphic terms, and internal deficiencies are often rendered externally: ‘In fairy tales, the hero escapes the tiresome clichés of reality by entering a world where the figurative or metaphorical dimension of language takes on literal meaning. Ideas become matter. The mother or stepmother who is like an ogress at the beginning of a tale becomes an actual witch. . . . Such literalizations of metaphors can at times translate into grotesque effects'”. “As Schmiesing has shown in her analysis of disability in the Grimms’ fairy tales, disability and physical impairment in particular are often used to elucidate the lack of moral virtue of characters or as punishment of fairy-tale villains”. Seems good to me.
“Mary Shelley’s ‘Hideous Progeny:’ Readaptation and (Textual) Deformity in Two Recent Frankenstein Films” by Paul Mitchell. First sentence of the abstract, “In this article, I discuss two recent films, Frankenstein (Kevin Connor 2004) and Victor Frankenstein (Paul McGuigan 2015), in terms of how they represent disability for mainstream television and cinema spectators.” But you can’t just go off the first sentence. So, I also go off of these “More specifically, my analysis illustrates how the visual depiction of the Creature in Connor’s Frankenstein serves to maintain a nondisabled gaze. Although the film subverts the typical conflation of a character’s atypical body with a malevolent disposition, it does not, in fact, disrupt the longstanding ableist paradigm that views disability as monstrous”. And I like.
I will say EBSCO be lying. I say full text and sometimes it shows me articles but doesn’t have the full text. So I get my hopes up. Would’ve had so many more articles if this thing wasn’t a fricken liar.
But yeah after many different key searches and looking through a lot of weird out there interesting stuff, I found those possible articles. Wish I wasn’t sickly so I could’ve actually locked in and got more done than just finding the articles, but I guess I will save actually reading them for another time.
