And I’m sitting in bed feeling a bit anxious about what this semester may look like (I’m greeting this feeling as just part of the process!)
We’re now walking into week four of the Fall semester (which, by the way, has already felt like such a whirlwind). At this moment, it feels as though for the first time, I’ve gotten myself to sit down and (finally) start threading together all the things I’ve pondered this past week.
But first, a little context as to where I’m at:
Last Monday, I entered class feeling a little uneasy. A big portion of that uneasiness was related to the fact that upon revisiting my research proposal, I noticed I couldn’t find a trace of myself in the research question I spent eons uncovering last semester:
How do audiences on TikTok reward performative intellectualism?
As much as this topic mesmerized me in the Spring, and as omnipresent as it feels in our everyday interactions with social media, there’s just somethinggggg about it that doesn’t fit. It’s like a disconnect (I’ll continue to revisit it with different lenses and update you again if anything’s changed).
Anywayyyyy… as difficult as it is to accept… I must be open to starting again.
On Tuesday, I woke up and got ready a bit earlier than usual with plans of a mindful walk prior to a day full of distractions. I remembered Ava telling me that during her time in the M.A. program she walked laps around the fountain by the STEM building. So, I decided to follow in her footsteps.
I walked with my earbuds in, trying my best to focus on what my body and mind were feeling. After a couple laps, I sat down. It was windy. I only had another 30 or so minutes before I had to head to work, so I wrote a poem. Part of it read:
“…I’ll find the same grace of the leaves who allow themselves to be hurled endlessly for the sake of finally settling into the dirt.”
Not necessarily my cleanest work, but it definitely spoke the words of my heart’s desires. I understood what it meant. I should allow myself to be swept in different directions. Try this, try that. And, only that way, will I settle into my purpose.
As the days passed, I continued this practice a couple more times. It was hard. Hard to get myself to think strictly about my thesis. My mind would literally think of any way out of thinking of the matter. There was one night my sister joined. We spent a majority of that walk playing guess the number I’m thinking of (I won).
But in a way going on walks with the base intention of being mindful and, most importantly, acting without judgement, placed somewhere else emotionally. It put me somewhere more level-headed. So much so, I felt less anxious even approaching writing this blog (one where I have to explain/express to my classmates where I’m at).
Thoughts are brewing. Connections are being made. They aren’t at their final point (yet). And yes… I’m nervous and have doubts about my abilities. Still, I’ll get there.
I’ll end with a quote from a piece of media I always come back to:
“…Write about your own experience. By that experience someone else may be a bit richer some day. Read widely of others experiences in thought and action- stretch to others even though it hurts to and strains and would be more comfortable to snuggle back in the comforting cotton-wool of blissful ignorance! Hurl yourself at goals above your head and bear the lacerations that come when you slip and make a fool of yourself. Try always, as long as you have breath in your body, to take the hard way, the Spartan way- and work, work, work to build yourself into a rich, continually evolving entity!”
– Sylvia Plath, Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Here are some of the prompts I gave myself:
- What are some things you read this year? What connects them?
- What are three pieces of media you compulsively come back to? What do they share?
- What do you care about?
Adamari 9/21/2026
