All posts by Jules

Close to the Finish Line

It’s going wayyyyy to fast. I’m still working. Cleaning up now at this point. But I can’t believe it’s almost done. All that’s left to do before submission is the spring symposium and getting ready on what to read. I look forward to next class to go over that a bit more into detail as we prep for it.

Same old, Same old

No new updates this week. Busy working with my actual job and my second job (my thesis). Keeping the momentum going. I find I work better on weeknights after work or school. I just get in bed all cozy up and I get to work. It’s quiet and I am able to focus better. But yeah, that’s it for now. Just busy working.

I lied

Not technically, I know I said I was on revision mood. But for some reason over the week since I’ve been off from work (spring break) I’ve been in a real creative mood. Now, when that happens you have to take full advantage. In my head for the last two weeks I had a sentence starter that I would constantly repeat in my head over and over, “It starts in middle school.” I knew I had to sit down so I can actually finish that thought. And well that thought became a thought! Wrote another vignette, it’s rough and it needs some love. I’m not sure if I fully love it yet (especially the ending) but feedback is appreciated. I might even want to read this for the Spring Symposium. Regardless, here is a new vignette.

Comparison is the Theft of joy

It starts in the middle school playground. You line up next to your classmates during recess as you prepare to head back into class. A time you take a moment to catch your breath as you were busy running around playing with friends. But it’s also a time the boys take a moment to rank the hottest girls in the class. Nervously, you avoid eye contact because you know you’ll never be picked. And just as you’re about to walk back inside, your friend turns around to tell you that you won second place. Second to her of course. You put your head down with shame as she is overgleed that she won first place. You look at her with admiration because you see what the boys see, but you also look at her confused, how did I even make the list? She resinsures you not to be upset about winning second but in the same breath she tells you to hike up your skirt more, wear some blush, and to start holding your books to class more differently. Because maybe just then you’ll appear more attractive and less geeky.  

It continues in high school, when the boys you like entertain you because you have a fully developed body like a twenty five year old. But then comes the fast sixteen year old girl, and the boy you thought liked you for you was gone walking another girl to class. She is a fast one, but you don’t see that. Instead you see a girl who is prettier than you. But still you continued to move slowly, a late bloomer as society would call it. That phrase never had a positive connotation about it. Not for men and certainly not for women. Because if you were a late bloomer you probably were never going to get a boyfriend and boys probably wouldn’t like you, but you would make your parents proud. But if you were a fast one, well then you were for the streets. And no man wants to wife up a hoe. And all that finding a nice guy who will like you for you is bullshit. Because I didn’t find him at the coffee shop or at the library. So that was a waste of a membership. 

It doesn’t end when you reach your twenties. Because now women have money for BBL and you are constantly reminded of all the competition you now have. Middle school ranking doesn’t seem that bad after all. These women can be found at the bars, clubs, targets, and in your man’s following. And so now you’re looking into surgeons in Miami, but you don’t have Miami money. So instead you’ll pick a fight. An internal one. A fight that you’ll never stop having with yourself because why weren’t you picked first place in middle school and why can’t you now have the perfect body and face? 

I believe it continues after your forties. Because as lines start to become more and more visible and skin starts to move with gravity, there is this overwhelming urgency that it needs to be stopped. Because even though those lines show that life has been lived, others can not know that. We still need to be beautiful so we can look good for our age. Probably still want to be beautiful even after death, because I’m sure there are still more women to compare to in the afterlife.  

I don’t think comparison is something we voluntarily implement for ourselves. But it is something that is the most difficult to stop. Because sure there are self help books that teach you to love yourself as you are, but there are also books that teach you the reason a man cheated on you was because you lacked something. Women spend their lives on a voyage quest to find what it is that they are lacking. Because only then, they will be able to fully love themselves. It goes over our heads, because what we truly lack is our sense of self. But if you stay too busy looking in all the wrong places, you never find it.

Heading Towards The End

I wish I had more updates , I feel like a broken record machine. But not much is new. This past spring break week I dedicated to formatting. Putting things into place now I believe will help me see the bigger picture in the end. In this case it will help me visualize just how I want my vignettes to look, read, and flow. The way it flows is the most important to me right now. Finished up the format for now and added the title page, dedication page, and the introduction to reader page. Now because those are done, I plan to edit and revise this week and next and then end the final note to the reader at the end of the vignettes. But yeah, that’s all I have to share for now. Staying as focused and as motivated as I can.

Moving Along…

This week I was a bit on a roll, after Monday’s class I wrote about two more vignettes that I am proud of. I won’t be surprised if the moment hits me again and I write another. However as of right now I am focusing on the order, and the structure in how I will present/submit my thesis. Dr. Zamora’s feedback last class was really insightful and helpful in understanding what is expected of my next. This process is not tedious but it is a bit challenging. I’m excited to see this come a bit more to life and maybe get even more inspired and write a bit more before my final final submission 🙂

Counting my 1’s and 2’s

Not much updates before class tonight only that I have wrote two vignettes during our little class break. Excited to go back to class tonight for more feedback and guidance. I do think however I still have a bit of time to squeeze in two more vignettes but we will see how lucky and far I get. I will say though, I am excited to start the editing process soon, in a weird way. I think that will also inspire a few more vignettes that I can hopefully squeeze in.

Staying Afloat

Last Monday’s class was great. I am looking forward to reading another vignette where I can receive feedback again that is very insightful in regards to helping me shape my vignettes into something even more powerful. I’m not going to lie in the beginning the rough drafts were rough. Mainly because I wanted to just push out all the ideas I had while they were fresh in my brain. It’s not that I was half-asking it but I wanted to get at least the foundation done in order to go back and then revise and edit the vignettes into the kind of stories that they should be.

I do plan on writing at least 3-5 more vignettes but at the moment it’s also nice to share what I have and get feedback that is helping me be more aware of what I need to do.

Work, work, work, work, work, work

Here is my latest and recent update, lately I’ve been trying to push a bit more vignettes (but quality ones that I would be proud of). But I have found myself in a little block with writing again, so to not be totally useless with my time I have been going back to my drafts where I am making a few adjustments and minor changes. Which I feel is resourceful of my time because at some point I will have to go back to those vignettes and tidy them up.

So far I feel pretty confident with my work and what I am producing. It was wonderful and insightful feedback I received last week from Dr. Zamora and it really helped me see my work from a different lens but one that I am satisfied with because that is the overall direction I want to go with. I am a bit scared that I do not have enough vignettes I guess I am so focused on guidelines and expectations of how long work should be that not having one is making me nervous that I am okay? But regardless, I am going to try to at least produce 5-10 more vignettes if willing so I can feel a bit more satisfied. Can’t wait to have a small reading next week and get even more insightful feedback!

We Were On A Break!

While taking a winter/holiday break was refreshing and relaxing I had to return back to work January 2nd. Therefor I returned to work mode in all aspects that needed it. That included my thesis. I found myself being able to write more on my break from my Graduate Program when I was a little more sad or going through something. And I am not going to like these past couple of weeks and months (since November) have been hard for me. But maybe it’s best since sometimes that is when I produce the most work. From my break from the graduate program I wrote a total of 4 vignettes I believe. Which was pretty solid. I was hoping to write more but I’ve noticed that when I write just to write I don’t produce the best work. And my thesis is something I want to be proud of, it’s something I want that will be able to resonate with people. With that being said, I figure I share a piece I wrote over break below. Enjoy

You asked me while lying in bed if I felt loved by you. I had my back facing you as I submerged my head deeper into the pillow to fight any tears that would fall. No I don’t. When I said those words aloud I felt instant regret for knowing now there are no take backs. I said what I said. Scared that you would be angry with me I stood quiet as I let you speak. But every time you spoke I didn’t want to hear it. Mainly because I can’t believe it. All my life I’ve heard I was too much; too sensitive, too extra, too annoying, too professional, too mature, too innocent, too everything. For once maybe I just want to be enough. 

When I saw those messages between you and those girls I didn’t see the messages for what was said. Instead I saw those girls as something I wasn’t. Because what else could it be? You say I am too perfect and too good for you, yet these other girls are the ones you are chasing. How can I believe that I am the one you want or love? It’s not fair when you get mad at me for when I tell you that you don’t love me. It’s confusing really. Everything about it. I’m trying to make sense of it in my head but instead it keeps me up at night on a loop and I never come to any answers.