I’m not sure where to begin.
My project is primarily the reasons people choose to create (with art or writing) as a way to cope with indescribable feelings. It’s a phenomenon that had always intrigued me because growing up I was told never to express my feelings in-person. I’d often keep to myself or bring little attention to my being so that I can process my emotions in solitude. I doubt that’s a healthy coping mechanic, but it has helped me get this far and I will always have my creations to console me rather than expressing with my voice.
That being said, my drive to create this project and understand what I am feeling has been accelerated. I’ve lost many, and I mean many people in my life in the past year. That kind of feeling weighs heavy on the soul, and it had made me more stressed than ever with the fact that I haven’t created anything in that time frame.
Right now I might be at the crux of losing someone very dear to me, and while I won’t show it with facial expressions I’m feeling that I’m losing control of whatever I have in my life left. I’m not sure what to do with these emotions, and it hurts knowing I can’t do anything but let whatever happens take its course. What I can do is continue working as I always have, using every ounce of positivity and negativity in my work flow.
My thesis once again is about the reasons why people go to creation to heal. My original draft felt like it was lacking a certain thing to it which I realized was my own personal input. I didn’t consider that until I shifted gears to an electronic literature piece and trying to process what I’m feeling. This project won’t be about me at all or this specific moment, but I want to channel this mix of emotions into something that can be understood by many.
For starters, I want to create a sort of pseudo-sequel to the piece I made last time. A narrative of an unknown person wandering in the darkness of the night. I might want to do something like this, but with a more clearer narrative in mind. I’m thinking of characters, settings, conflict and interpretations. In fact, I have at least 2 – 3 short stories that I drafted a while back that I may bring to life with this. They all deal with universal concepts of life, death, emotions, connections and loss, and I feel I need to cement one of those stories now more than ever.
I need to consider if I want to create a streamlined experience or create a series of choices that a participant might want to partake in. The problem with any of these solutions is that I want to dissect the very concept of emotions at it’s core, considering them more than just societal norms. Inherently, are these ideas more than just the words we assign to them? What makes one happy makes another sad, why is that and why do we only accept one definition of this? I want to create something that asks people to reevaluate ‘dictionary’ terms and realize that words make up more than one definition.
Words by themselves aren’t enough. I need to create a series of assets that will make this world of mine come to life. Luckily I have many images from past exhibitions or bouts of wandering that I have stored away, each bringing them thoughts about place and the idea of belonging. I’d like to take time and work on these, perfecting or distorting them to what seems best and have these act as the background through this narrative I’m crafting. I’ll be sure to post a few images soon in a Drive or sort to help people understand what I’m talking about.
The biggest idea I need to think about is abstraction. My research tackles abstract ideas and universal/personal interpretations so I need to consider how much I want to explore beyond, look at what other people say and what I feel.
I need to be careful in not making my interpretations the ones people need to follow. For this to work, a discussion needs to be made by participants so that a conversation about the meaning of making comes to light. I can’t be the definition, I need to be the messenger.
So for the time being, I’ll take a step back and work on creating these assets so that the narrative can come through naturally. It will be a lot of experimentation but that isn’t something new to me. I also would like to get a head start on my literature review, but I already have a few selections made and an idea on where I’d like to go next. I’m essentially sailing into uncharted waters while keeping binoculars on people passing by.
I’m not sure what the future holds for me at this point. I feel like a mannequin struggling to pick up the last of its strings, desperate for any sort of weight or deliberate meaning between each step. But no one else is going to pick myself up and do this project but me. So for now, I’m donning my brave face and working towards my destination.