Dear Writers,

Allow me to pick your brain. What does the word retreat mean?

It’s safe to say that most of you are probably thinking, ” Well duh, retreat has multiple meanings. It depends on how you choose to use it.” A typical answer for an English major or teacher. Of course you’re correct.

Next question.Which type of retreat did we have?

Oooo. Now you have to think lol. Good for you. I’ll give you a clue. Within these eight days, did you struggle, had a personal epiphany, become more appreciative, meet up with any or all insecurities, have many questions with no answers or many answers but felt lost without the knowing the questions, had a visit from vulnerability or felt energetically inspired?  Wait a minute that was another question. Oh well, just think about it. No pressure but help yourself by being mindful of your answer.

As a verb, retreat means a form of withdrawal , retire, or draw back, especially for shelter or seclusion with or without army/enemy association. As a noun, retreat means a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy.  

I’ll respond in a Meagan-like way. I am all about positivity more so now than I have ever been in my entire life. Whether it may be about the positivity I give or receive, I am choosing it. Within eight simple yet remarkable days, I am understanding that positivity is about a connection. During these eight days, not only have I connected with my classmates, teacher and myself but I have connected on a new level, which in itself is uniquely awesome (for me). I didn’t even second guess whether I would enjoy this course with Dr. Zamora. That was an automatic hell yea and of course. Everything is starting to feel like it’s falling into place (slowly) and this feels like I’m reaching new heights of shooting star amazement.

If someone asked me what I believe in….my answer may shock you but remember it’s a Meagan-like response. At this time my answer may be that I believe in almost everything. Admitting this- is all about taking a huge chance in life.  I choose to live by faith and if that means taking chances here and there, then dammit I got to do it. I choose to grow in grace which means my mannerisms approaching life and what it represents. I choose to walk in love. The concept of walking in love does not necessarily have to do with my involvement with another person. I perceive this as a profound affection for “positively connecting” with the idea of acceptance, gratitude, resilience, family/friends, sun/moon, culture and etc.

Our course is titled Writer’s Retreat but truthfully I disagree. This retreat was exactly that, a retreat. We retreated from the hybrid version of our mundane lives with COVID. We retreated from the stress of our personal burdens. We retreated from the inner voice that tries to pull us back into the dark shadows of despair and anxiety. We chose to withdraw because we deserved a break.

We found a retreat that accepted all of us…the activist, the adventurer, the nurturing teachers, the youthful minds, the poetic souls, the passionate voices, the ones searching, the organizer, the researcher, the friendly-fellows, the optimist, the motivators and the mentors (not necessarily me). Our retreat was our bubble of sanity for the few hours. Our retreat was our time to inhale and exhale. Our retreat was our safe space to cry and release. Our retreat helped us recognize our own essential capabilities. Our retreat presented us with the opportunity to discover who we would like to be, where we would like to go, when we choose to begin, what we may need along the way, why we need this journey and more importantly, not to focus on how it should be accomplished.

For my fellow writers, I write this for me and you. I am not thanking you because I have to. I thank you because you were being you. I thank you for lending me your ears. i thank you for lending me your heart. I thank you for lending me your strength to find my own. I thank you for your consistent positivity. I thank you for allowing me to be Meagan in my semi-preachy ramble. Lol.

Unfortunately, our time during this particular retreat has come to an end. Luckily, the journey to our own personal retreat has just begun.

We may not look like what we are… but we are who we are. We are writers. We are inspiration. We are spiritual connectors. We are beautiful butterflies. And we are all enough.

I wish you constant joy, patience and positivity.

Your fellow retreater, writer and friend,

Meagan

 

Dear Meagan,

You may not know me as well as I know you. I know everything about you and so far I feel deeply connected to you. I was blessed with the opportunity to admire you from afar. You and I have accomplished a lot in a small time frame.  It’s safe to say you and I are one in the same. There have been countless times when you doubted, hated and burdened yourself with so much pain, fear, guilt and etc. For so long I’ve been wanting to ease the pain or at least take it away completely. Surprisingly you have found a way to rise above and direct it towards building a strong foundation. Good for you.

I’m sure you’re curious to know who I am but this is not about me. This letter is to you and for only you. Consider me an admirer. What you feel, I feel. What you think, I think. You created mini mantras to remind yourself of how precious and special you are. Then please allow me to share my thoughts.

1. I am enough. But of course you are darling. I understand at times it may never seem that way. You aim to not necessarily please others but to care for them. With a natural nurturing instinct, you make people feel at ease within their own minds.  You strive to soothe their souls which is the inner energy source. It’s amazing how you do it and don’t realize. Although you accept compliments, you never believe them. What you do for friends, loved ones and strangers is enough. Every cannot and will not be pleased but that is not your issue nor is it about you. Please don’t take on what is not yours to bare.
2. I am in control. You have more control than you realise. I know the Looney Tunes version of the Tasmanian Devil reminds you of yourself. Hate to break it to you, but you are not alone. Everyone feels as if they cannot get a grip. I also know you don’t want to hear that it’s a common feeling but it is beyond true. Focus on handling what you have the power to control. During the moment it becomes your strength. God only grants you things you, yourself  can handle. Faith steps in to take over what you need to release. Inhale to ready yourself of your own tasks. Exhale what is not for you to control.
3. I am worth it. You bet your ass you are and so much more. Why do you think I or someone else would admire you? Duh!!!! You, my precious girl are far worth more than the sparkly stars in the sky. If I could make it rain: love, respect, inspirational, humourous, wise, warm-hearted and much more, then these wonderful qualities wouldn’t suffice. I consider you what a butterfly represents in multiple cultures- change, hope, depth, power and life. When I say butterfly, I mean all stages of its life. As the caterpillar, you don’t worry about whether people accept your looks because you appreciate you. The inner and outer are equally grand.  You appear with a mission and see it through to the end. The real metamorphosis of life. When you are ready because you have learned to work with time, you decide to show/share with others. You are worth more than what they see and assume.

 

Meagan, the best is yet to come. All you need to do is continue to be patient and continue moving forward to accomplish your dreams. Mother Nature sees you. Father Time hears you. I’ll always with you.

I am simply empowered by your strength. It’s time for you to realize that it does exist. You can into this retreat with a tiny idea. Now it’s blooming before your eyes. If you have to fight then fight for a positive cause. If you have to shout then shout for joy. If you have to cry then cry. If you need to take a moment or two then take any many as you need. There are no limits. If you have to smile then smile because you are learning. If you have to  If you have to grow then grow to heal.

But….if you have to write then write to for you.

Remember I admire you from afar. Whenever you need me just whisper and I’ll be there. Regardless. With unconditional love

 

Your admiring friend,

Your voice (the other her)

 

           

Dear Mother Nature,

Guess what I did? I actually worked up the courage to write to Father Time. As I wrote, I realised that he is guiding through a mindful  approach in accepting my weaker side. I’ve previously mentioned to you in our mental chats that I struggle from time to time with her, the other voice. By acknowledging time as a factor for my healing process, I am slowly understanding that the her, I somewhat fear is a version of me.

You wouldn’t believe how smooth he made his message come across. Father Time, is quite the spiritual character. In his own discreet manner, he really got to me. Wow! He helped me to recognize how it does takes time to heal. It does take time to grow. And It does takes time to tell my story. I did something that I rarely do. I made a promise to use him to the full extent and to live in every moment.

I would like to share a quote with you that sits purposely on the top of my dresser. I feel if the words are looking down on me then it feels like you are whispering to me.

“Be yourself. Take chances. Learn new things. Fall in love. Practice kindness. Be generous. Laugh everyday. Respect others. Let go. Be fearless.”

As I type this, I feel myself ready to cry again. The quote says to be myself and right now I guess I’m feeling emotional. You wouldn’t believe what I did today. I was exceptionally brave and decided to let go during my group meeting. Oh my goodness! My group has five great women (including our amazing teacher). I took a chance to embrace my moment and was strangely kind to myself. You know how I get. I hold guilt like a fleece blanket, wear my feelings like cozy fleece socks and I use them a emotional barrier.

I was able to expressive my pain, the deep seeded fear, the lack of faith and how I try to cope with it. Time will heal my wound because things happen for a reason. The other voice pushed me to confront and appreciate my self-power. Mother Nature, do you understand what I’m saying to you? Remember since I wasn’t sure if God was accepting me, I sent my little ones to you. My dream was for them to be reincarnated with Miss Wind and Mr. Sun. As the breeze blows a kiss is planted on my cheek. When the sun shines I feel a warm hug.

As I sob and sigh, I cannot help but feel proud of my journey. I still have many portions of my to share but in time, right? See, I’m listening to Father’s Time. Mother Nature, the weather channel said rain and possible storms all week. I hope it’s not because of me. I no longer what my tears to be connected to sadness but rather help them transition to joy. I know it is possible because I believe in you, the way you say you believe in me. You are my natural artist that inspires me because your work is ever evolving.

Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to vent, as usual. Thank you for being my spiritual guide. Thank you and Father Time for working together.

Your friend and admirer,

Meagan

P.S. Below is what I shared with my group. I know you’re proud of me because I did it in my time.

“ The hardest part of losing a child is living everyday afterwards.”

-Unknown

Dear January 10, 2010

How do I find the words to apologize to you? You came into my life when things were going in all sorts of directions. I was in college full time and working part-time. You knew I was also helping Grams and Gramps. I don’t expect you to understand because you can’t or couldn’t.

I always dreamt of you being around. What you would look like. What you would smell like. How you would take your drink. I always imagined being with you. Helping you. Smiling at you. Laughing with you. I would’ve been so proud to have you near me. I often thought of how I would introduce you. This is my…Here is my…Would you like to meet my… Happy thoughts. Sad reality.

He was still in my life. I doubt he would’ve been around to meet you. At least that’s the impression I got. His jealousy can and was too much at the time. Strangely that wasn’t the actual problem. He never saw me. He never listened to me. He never looked at me without judgement.

He never really knew me. I don’t think he ever really loved me. Love? A four letter word with such an enormous weight. A word I still struggle with. What does it mean? How do you know when you’re ready to love?

I was hoping you could love me. Help fill a void that is hard to fill. Help scratch an itch. Help be the last piece to my puzzle. That would’ve been an enormous weight on you. I miss you and barely know you. I know at least I feel we would’ve changed each other forever. You need me. I need you. That would’ve or could’ve been enough. So why did you leave? Obviously, I panicked knowing you were coming. I was terrified. You could’ve met my mom. You would’ve loved her for sure. She would have welcomed you with open arms. Probably a special party.

Nothing close to how she welcomed him.

He left when I needed him. He left when you….Well it happened and look where we are now. Funny, I thought about the countless advice I could’ve given you. Me in protective mode.

Imagine that. There were many times I couldn’t remember your name. Oh, the tears that came down. How could I forget your name? What kind of person am I to forget you? I cried for you and I barely knew you. I guess I cried for the opportunity

I wish I could hear you. I wish I could feel you. I wish I could smell you. Kisses. Warm hugs. Loving smile. Crying!!! The truth is you’re not here. You were taken from me. That guy up there took you away. He and I haven’t been on speaking terms for years. How could you allow that to happen? What did I do to deserve that? That pain. Whatever fraction of my part that existed broke.  I fell into a dark and lonely hole. He was supposed to be there for me and I couldn’t talk to him about you. How do I find the words to apologize to you? I couldn’t protect you. I didn’t know how to fight for you. I didn’t know what to say to make you stay. You left me and I’m still sad. I knew who you were. I knew who you were supposed to be. I think I loved you and haven’t met you. This New Year would be damn near a decade since you could’ve existed. I felt you and you felt me.

You were my beloved little one. My baby. My boy. Now you are my January 10, 2010. My memory. How do I find the words to apologize to you?

I am so sorry,

Love,  Mommy

P.S. Tell your sister I will write to her very soon. She will be my forever October 7, 2013.

 

Dear Father Time ( or Father Saturn),

Good afternoon. My name is Meagan but you probably had an idea about that. How are things in your realm? I hope all is well or at least as well as can be. Since this is my first time writing to you,  I’m not entirely sure how to share my thoughts. So I’ll keep it semi-simple.

You are obviously not a person yet I consider you a being with a spirit. Does that make sense to you? For example, your friend, Miss Wind is notably ‘air’. But there are times when she’s so strong that it feels like her hand is moving me along.

There are many qualities I appreciate about you. Your spiritual presence reminds me of a snail and a butterfly. The snail is about slowing down and being more appreciative of the moment (process). The butterfly is essential for change and transformation. You have a subtle way of sharing your messages with us and it’s beautiful. Unfortunately, the world is going through its own version of catharsis. Some people may describe it differently but to me  that’s it. We’re home due to COVID and sure it’s driving us all a little bananas. I found humour in barely remembering the day of the week, month or time of day. You made things go by fast on the outside but slower inside.

I wonder if anyone ever stopped to consider or question it? The news demands us to stay in for safety reasons but you pushed us to take time with ourselves and our loved ones. Although some people weren’t as fortunate as others to be with loved ones, people still found a way to be creative. I’d be lying if I say I was ok with being home with family all the time. After a time, there were moments when it felt like my family was multiplying and surrounding me but I eventually realised I needed to step away and breathe. Now things are ever-so-slowly trying to return to what was once considered normal.

I thank the heavens for presenting me with the opportunity to take this course during this time. You being you, somehow spiritually graced my path with your presence. Today’s prompt asked us about what we learned last week. Soon after I wrote my response, I looked up and read two quotes in my room,

Take time to touch each moment with love.

Yesterday is already a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision. But today well lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Thank you Father Time. For with you, I am learning to take my time and notice more of my strengths. The goal isn’t to ignore or runaway from my weaknesses but to make life an adventure and approach these weaknesses with careful positivity. Obviously, I know it is easier said than done but I will try and that’s what counts.When I taught Pre-K & K, one of class rules was to “Try your best.” My students thought there was some sort of catch but there wasn’t. In a new school year, making new friends, having a new teacher, we all have our own expectations and we will all make mistakes. If we help to prevent and/or learn from our mistakes and each other then it’s proof we are trying our best. So Father Time, it’s only right that I practice what I preach.

You are guiding me through a slower approach to confront, accept and recognize qualities that I chose to ignore or have not acknowledge yet.

It also brings me joy to listen to my fellow retreaters and their diverse creative souls. It’s amazing how we are all different yet we share a passion for words, feelings, thoughts and releasing it all.

I began this retreat admitting to the difficulty in the process of inhaling to exhale. Dr. Zamora, once again with her wise experiential advice, did shed light on having to slow down and be mindful. Some may need to more than others. The best part is that there isn’t a limit to being mindful. Just by me staring out the window is time that you provided for me to inhale and exhale.

Knowing this, I aim to approach this last week with more openness in my heart to actually focus on project’s message.

Though I am not perfect, time has helped me realise that perfection is not only overrated but it’s not anywhere near my cup of tea. If being unique is my niche that I will stand out simply being me.

It takes time to heal. it takes time to grow. It also takes time to tell a story. Therefore I choose to use you to the full extent, Father Time, to be more in the moment and take my time to enjoy the retreat. Thank you!

 

Your friend and time user,

Meagan

   

 

I’m choosing to approach today’s blog through different senses. My advice is to read through my blog then go back, hit play on Ella and escape into the picture’s beauty.

We began the morning with Dr. Zamora’s motivating blog shout outs which I’ve come to really enjoy. Although sleep is burning my eyes, I perk up and listen to the agenda. It’s strange how when you’re sleepy, you can’t hear as well or not thinking as clearly. Thankfully we stopped around 10 so I can kick the refresh button. I used our time apart to sit and think. Suddenly, I remembered I volunteered to do author’s chair. What the heck am I going to say? What should I show them? Do I repeat what I told my group? Can I just wing it? Will they notice how nervous I probably will be? Geez can I stop asking questions?

Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Inhale and exhale. Think positively. Now time to retreat from the mental strain and have lunch. I decided to take a drive to my neighborhood park for lunch. Ofcourse, I dare not sit in the heat but I chose to sit in the car and face the geese rented and pooped smothered lake.  Did I mention the air conditioning was on? Well it was and it gave me staycation vibes. A nice 20 minute escape from the mundane world. I think I’ll do it again after posting this.

I feel as if my thoughts are all over and concentrating is a challenge. The lack of sleep sometimes puts me into a super lethargic-chill mode. Now I’m craving white dragonfruit and  mini mangoes.

Thank you to my peer-retreaters for allowing me to share the real/vulnerable me. Like Cheryl mentioned being vulnerable isn’t easy. Honestly, I don’t realise it because my mentality is just ok here it is. I know I was overthinking it before but when the time comes, my mouth purges every feeling. It’s similar to a children’s book, “My Mouth is a Volcano.” By the way, it’s a good and funny book.

Anyway, for today my blog is semi-random and short but me.

Have a great weekend. Until next time.

Be safe and remain cool.

Meagan