I feel a bit like I have been in a thesis Groundhog Day situation – actually, I’d rather use the example of Russian Doll – Same premise basically, but with Natasha Lyonne.
Everytime I sit down to my thesis, it is almost like I am writing from scratch. Nothing has traction. I lose track of the pieces I have already written. I don’t feel good about what I wrote. I keep reliving the process of figuring something out, discovering a possible path forward, writing to follow the inspiration… and then it dissipates into something dissatisfying. Something that doesn’t fit what I’m trying to get at.
Not counting my blogs, I’ve written 20,000+ words for this thing and maybe 5,000 of those are sticking at the moment? So now that I’m back on track and getting my productivity back up I have made some decisions for how to move forward.
In my blog for last week, I included a story I wrote and the voice of it and feel of it is the closest thing I’ve gotten to what feels like me. I am a little afraid it is going to be what the critic in my head keeps calling “affected” or “indulgent”, but if I keep listening to it I am not going to be able to get this thesis done. I am genuinely worried because I don’t see the finish line at all at the moment, I’m more just running on faith that I will get it done because… I always do… somehow.
So moving forward, I am just going to write my ass off in the style of the story I shared last week and will share this week. I am attaching the story below to show another example of how I am moving forward with this writing style and the story. Whether it is good or not, I have no idea, but I am committing to it and going to switch into more organized production.
I will do my creative writing at home and I will work in class on my literature review, at least until I can get it done and then I’ll switch over to just the thesis. The literature review has me so stressed and frozen that I go to do it, feel like I don’t know where to start, think about switching over to my creative writing, feel guilty I’m not working on the lit review, get worked up into a frustrated state of overwhelm, and ultimately end up getting hardly anything at all done. I can’t keep this cycle up. I am hoping by making myself do the literature review at school will give me a more disciplined environment, access to help, and accountability. That way, when I am home, I just have to worry about the actual writing of the thesis and any further research I need to do.
I don’t have much else to say other than that. Below I will include the link to my latest story. It is kind of a weird one, but I am rolling with it. If anyone wants to take the time to read it and leave me any critiques about clarity, I welcome the input!