Tag Archives: autoethnography

where to even begin

I think the collective mood of us all is going to be: tired.

The past two weeks have been just… increasingly mentally draining.

I really don’t know why the self-docs have me struggling so much. The YouTube one especially. I’d like to say it’s done, but it’s not. As of now, 2:30pm Sunday, at least.

The site itself. I think I’m going with a Wix site. I just have to figure out how Wix works. It’s so complex and the ideas I have for the site are so simple so it feels like when I’m working with a template wix page, I’m deconstructing the whole thing, or it’s just not allowing for what I want. I need to look at it again, look around online.

I want to get started on other things, though, too. Like revisiting my old sources. And the vignettes. I’d like to do 5 of those. How long they should be, though… sigh… I don’t know. The self-docs came out to 6 pages each, or at least that’s what they are now, and I don’t know if I just don’t know how to shut up or I’m struggling with being concise. And concise is what I need for the vignettes.

But anyway.

I wrote up these topics a few weeks back for the vignettes:

  • Separation of content and community
  • Fandom communities as support systems
  • Fiction v. IRL fandoms
  • External stigma
  • Internal stigma – i.e., gatekeeping, toxicity
  • Creative influence
  • The Bullseye model one of my interviewees made up regarding levels of fan membership
  • Fandom as a culture (internal ethics/criticisms)
  • Content curation

For the sake of time, I’ll probably condense some.

I’m trying to do that now, think of how to do that, but… With everything going on lately, it’s almost hard to think. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. Scratch that, I’m definitely overwhelmed. 

SCRATCH ALL THAT. YEAH I’M OVERWHELMED BUT I JUST GOT A BOOST OF–idk it was probably the three pieces of expired Halloween chocolate I ate–BUT ANYWAY.

  • Stigma (internal, external, gatekeeping, toxicity)
  • Fan-Content Relationship (Bullseye, separation, fiction v. IRL)
  • Fan-Community Relationship (support systems, belonging, inclusion/exclusion, relate to stigma)
  • Content-Community Relationship (canon v. fanon, content curation, creative influence, fan works, career paths)

Am. Am I seeing some kinda trifecta model here? Fan-Content-Community… E y e. Is this a breakthrough. is this what a breakthrough is like.

It makes sense. The fan as the individual. The fan’s relationship with the content, the fan’s relationships with the community. And the relationship between the content and the community. Those. Could cover the topics I listed.

I think it needs refining, of course. Maybe the stigma vignette handles fandom’s place in society overall, the external stuff, and the more internal stuff will go under “fan-community”–bruh. I gotta think on this. But hoo boy do I love when things come in threes. Wow. A literary dream.

Okay, suddenly I feel a bit better about this. I gotta keep thinking about that fourth one, though, but I do think it’s necessary to see all this tri-relationship bs as it relates to “the outside,” y’know what I mean? Like local v. fandom Twitter. Wow. Coming full circle.

Okay, I’m gonna ruminate on this. See y’all tomorrow over videochat.

After I come home from my job which I apparently still have to come on campus for.


it’s emo hour, huh

What better way to get in the feels of talking about anime than watching anime, amirite?

Stars Align is too real, y’all. And given is lovely.

But anyway.


  • Self-Docs (as of 9:30am Monday morning; I’ll edit with more progress)
    • Edited Nancy Drew entry – gotta add in that Jenkins plug
    • Restarted the YouTube one
    • Mostly done with the anime one
    • K-Pop is coming along
    • Intro exists  || 1pm don’t tell my boss edit: SHE’S P MUCH DONE.

My biggest issue with anime and K-Pop is that I feel like I have 78969 things to say, but I gotta pick and choose where to put what. Do I go into fanfiction and cultural stigma (and 10 other things) in my self doc or a vignette? Or do I just put as much as it applies to my own experiences in the self doc and save the rest for the vignette? And if so, where is that line?

I get why the panic sets around this time now.

  • The final site
    • Thinglink! Made an account for that. I’m thinking a thinglink for a homepage on a wordpress site. I vaguely recall there being issues with something like that, so I’ll have to snoop around.
    • The imagery I initially had for the homepage was a tree (like the one the player starts at in my e-lit piece from way back when; I’m debating asking two of my artist friends to help me out with it) with the different elements of this project at the different points of the tree (i.e., theory at the roots or something). So clicking on them via the thinglink would take the user to another page with that content on it. It’s really not that deep, just an aesthetic thing.
    • Current possible organization:
      • Roots: theory discussion (mini lit review?), acknowledgements, explanation of the project
      • *Trunk: Vignettes + Term Glossary (?)
      • *Inner/lower branches: Interviews + Self-Docs
      • Outer/upper branches: “coming soon” links for ODDNights (e-lit piece WIP), the eventual podcast I wanna do, and the eventual Let’s Play YouTube channel I wanna do
    • I’m kind of thrown by whether I should switch around the two that I put asterisks next to. Ugh. It’s messing with my head, so I’m gonna leave it here and hopefully we can talk it out in class … … … maybe the theory discussion can be the trunk and the acknowledgements and other kind of behind the scenes kinda stuff can be the roots…………. sigh.


  • Oh yeah also I got approved for Research Days.

I ain’t gonna say I’m nervous because I know it’ll be a fun time to talk about my project. Over the past week I’ve talked to at least 5 different people about it (airing concerns and doubts and future hopes post-thesis) and they’ve seemed interested and reassuring, so…………………

I think I can handle 15 minutes. The question is, will I be able to stop? jdklsjkl

For now, though! I keep working! And try! Not! To panic!

See y’all tomorrow.