Hello Readers, Viewers, Writers and Others
It has been awhile since I decided to put a full effort into writing a blog/ message/ reason. This time I not only owe it to myself but rather to my site. This site has taken on it’s on identity and lately, I’ve been hearing whispers of how unloved it feels.
Well you’re probably thinking, after saying that and having that particular title, maybe just maybe this lady is slowly losing it. Or my favorite, ” Aww, poor baby girl, does she know she sounds a little nutty, yet?” Well strangely the answer is yes. I am well aware of it all.
I titled this post as a silent tantrum because that’s exactly what I feel I am having. This program has taught me so much about people, writing, learning, myself and just embracing life’s direction. On the other hand, I am so damn tired not necessarily because of this class or program but everything going on combined. I can barely tell up from down, day from night, or talk or sleep.
As chaotic as things may seem at times, believe it or not, I have been sleeping by 12:30 or 1 am for the latest. I don’t always feel like my day is productive day but sometimes it actually is.
My focus has been on my family and work. Friday, December 18 marks the date when our project is due; however I have been very neglectful. Now here is the reason as to why I’ve been throwing a silent tantrum.
As far as my project goes, all of the written portions have been completed. I know what I need to do but I’ve been somewhat happily and silently procrastinating. Since this is my last semester, in a way I guess I don’t want things to end. I definitely love and appreciate the great experiences; but at the same time, nope I don’t wanna.
Though it may be foolishly childish, my mind cannot seem to process nor accept that I have to figure out what to do after graduation. There are some lingering dreams but nah probably not possible or let’s say unrealistic.
Wanting to shout I need a peace of mind, I have been feeling quite content within my long running tantrums. Patricia has offered numerous times to help me begin my new project site and again I got distracted. So what the heck will it take for me to focus and literally “get my shit together”? I guess the new discomfort that seems to be traveling in my direction called stress. Funny, not funny!
This post is a ramble within a ramble within a silent tantrum. Wow! Here’s when you know things are out of whack. When your words that should seem simple and easy to comprehend sounds absolutely bonkers to yourself.
My project is about getting to know the various layers of myself and if I’m being truthful- my silent tantrum is caused by the lack of trust and belief in my own talent. I have come a long way and worked hard to crack my own damn code about my emotions (which I am still doing). Miraculously, I am a current offender to my project’s cause. Expressive writing is supposed to help me release and understand. Just breathe! My silent tantrum is preventing that task from evolving because I do get comfortable and stuck in a rut.
Say the name: Meagan
Describe title: A writer dabbling within an unnecessary tantrum
Explanation of behavior: Silent stubbornness causes a rare case (for her) of procrastination.
This weekend I will definitely sit down and get my priorities in order. I have to.