Hello Readers, Viewers, Writers and Others

It has been awhile since I decided to put a full effort into writing a blog/ message/ reason. This time I not only owe it to myself but rather to my site. This site has taken on it’s on identity and lately, I’ve been hearing whispers of how unloved it feels.

Well you’re probably thinking, after saying that and having that particular title, maybe just maybe this lady is slowly losing it. Or my favorite, ” Aww, poor baby girl, does she know she sounds a little nutty, yet?” Well strangely the answer is yes. I am well aware of it all.

I titled this post as a silent tantrum because that’s exactly what I feel I am having. This program has taught me so much about people, writing, learning, myself and just embracing life’s direction. On the other hand, I am so damn tired not necessarily because of this class or program but everything going on combined. I can barely tell up from down, day from night, or talk or sleep.

As chaotic as things may seem at times, believe it or not, I have been sleeping by 12:30 or 1 am for the latest. I don’t always feel like my day is productive day but sometimes it actually is.

My focus has been on my family and work. Friday, December 18 marks the date when our project is due; however I have been very neglectful. Now here is the reason as to why I’ve been throwing a silent tantrum.

As far as my project goes, all of the written portions have been completed. I know what I need to do but I’ve been somewhat happily and silently procrastinating. Since this is my last semester, in a way I guess I don’t want things to end. I definitely love and appreciate the great experiences; but at the same time, nope I don’t wanna.

Though it may be foolishly childish, my mind cannot seem to process nor accept that I have to figure out what to do after graduation. There are some lingering dreams but nah probably not possible or let’s say unrealistic.

Wanting to shout I need a peace of mind, I have been feeling quite content within my long running tantrums. Patricia has offered numerous times to help me begin my new project site and again I got distracted. So what the heck will it take for me to focus and literally “get my shit together”? I guess the new discomfort that seems to be traveling in my direction called stress. Funny, not funny!

This post is a ramble within a ramble within a silent tantrum. Wow! Here’s when you know things are out of whack. When your words that should seem simple and easy to comprehend sounds absolutely bonkers to yourself.

My project is about getting to know the various layers of myself and if I’m being truthful- my silent tantrum is caused by the lack of trust and belief in my own talent. I have come a long way and worked hard to crack my own damn code about my emotions (which I am still doing). Miraculously, I am a current offender to my project’s cause. Expressive writing is supposed to help me release and understand. Just breathe! My silent tantrum is preventing that task from evolving because I do get comfortable and stuck in a rut.

Say the name: Meagan

Describe title: A writer dabbling within an unnecessary tantrum

Explanation of behavior: Silent stubbornness causes a rare case (for her) of procrastination.

This weekend I will definitely sit down and get my priorities in order. I have to.

” In any conflict, be sure you know what you really want, and whether what you are doing is actually helping you get there.”

Greetings fellow thesis writers and readers,

This week’s post will be short, sweet and very simple.

The above quote mentions conflict but I am not necessarily referring to actual conflict (disagreement/argument), I mean more of an undecided feeling. My current conflict refers to the status of my thesis. So far I believe I have all of the criteria for my project completed. I have double and tripled check my work but I still feel as if something is missing. I literally just finished rereading most of my background context, lit review, introduction and poems. Now it could all be in my head but I do feel a bit anxious.

My number one priority right now is to begin creating my new wordpress site. For now there isn’t much more to say besides stay tuned for me finding enough time to sit and be creative.

I am using this blog site as an example as to how I would like the new to look. This site took all weekend because I accidently got rid of all of my previous blogs. I damn neared cried my eyes out after yelling at my laptop lol.

I refuse to experience the same stress, so I will definitely take my time.

Well for now I end this dry and semi-drab post.

Hello everyone,

I would to begin by sharing a childhood movie flashback that symbolizes my project’s progress. Can you guess the movie?

Although it has taken me longer than I originally expected to create this post, I slow my mind down to remember last week’s unexpected expectations. I ‘m going to use that as a particular phrase to keep me humble. This has been a productive few days for me to figure what out direction my project should be headed towards.

So far, I finished editing the information for my background context, introduction and literature review and work cited. Last week, Dr. Zamora and I discussed formats to submit my project using such as wordpress, wix or google sites. With careful thought, I feel more comfortable with wordpress because I’m proud of this site turned out. I think it shows my progress throughout the year and how I have developed as a student/writer.

After editing I began writing down how I would like to present the files on WordPress.

Accomplished

• Home
• Mission Statement
• About Me (background info w/ Plutchik’s wheel)
• Introduction
• Black Canvas Anthology (20 poems: 20 quotes- 20-60 emotions (1-3 each poem like in my presentation)
• Literature Review (work cited & annotated bibliography link)
• My writer’s Oath

I still need to figure out how to place the emotions with the poems and then the quote.

I think my next plan is to begin creating a new wordpress domain. I would feel better having those things up and running, even if I still have to fix it.

Now that I know my poetry anchors my project, I discovered more mini poems within my old blogs and writing pieces. I see where my memoir will fit when I decide to continue working on this project after the submission date.

One of my goals is for this new site to be the best mini collection of the various versions of me. I am beyond excited to finally having a title that I like and suits me.

Looking at my desk, I realize it doesn’t look as chaotic instead it looks more manageable.

Agenda:

• create shape the emotions of each poem
• build new site
• reread lit review again
• create links for work cited and bib.

Fellow writers, achievers, dreamers and the few frustrators,

Lend me your ear so I can share my tale of a few unexpected expectations this past week.

It all began on Saturday. I woke up with the intentions of completing three top priorities. First, my morning was busy helping my Grams make fish soup from scratch. Things went well and the soup was almost finish by the time I left for my afternoon gig. Secondly, I volunteered to work a school prepare for a special family movie night. The staff expected the 60 something people who RSVP’d to show up. Luckily the weather was beautifully clear and semi-spooky. I planned on helping for a few hours that way I could return home to work on my thesis. Unfortunately things quickly began to change. The weather was so crisp, windy and cold. Out of 60 families to show up, only eight did. We had blown up plastic balloons, goodie bags, popcorn, pretzels, cotton candy (and machine). The staff and I worked on so many things but no one was there to enjoy them but the staff. Seriously, I was even in costumed. Now here’s the kicker..when I returned home with the hopes of working on my thesis, I did not feel good. I was in the cool air for too long and felt lethargic. By the time I got home I didn’t work on anything except putting on my jammies and climbing into bed.

Sunday, I consider a peaceful day before the week’s chaos. I went into my office, worked on my desktop for 2 hours, tried to figure out my project’s final product, prepare to edit my Lit. review and then it happened. I felt tired again. This time in particular I began feeling drunk with sleep. At first, I couldn’t figure out why I kept reading the same lines over and over. I thought it was weird when my head continued to go lower and lower. You think I would realize that I was dozing off right? Nope. All the work I set up and organized on my table started looking like blurry waves. Who knew your lashes can make blurry waves? Finally I said dammit, I’m going to take a 2 hour nap. Great idea! Well that was until I heard a huge crash in the kitchen. My Grams tripped on the kitchen mat while holding a pot full of water that was next to another pot on the fire. Apparently her tripping made her fall and dropped the pot of water. Everything in the area except the top on the fire fell. Water was all over and she looked so shooked. Let me say, jumping out of my sleep left me shook too. Either way, she’s good now, I cleaned everything, finish cooking the food for her and didn’t get a chance to return to my work.

Monday and Tuesday was about the same, a semi-shit show. I work at a school and my position is to assistant those in charge. The morning shift is getting better except for the substitute starting the virtual class almost 45 minutes late. of course parents were pissed but not with me. Maybe my years teaching and being a director I do have expectations for people currently in those similar positions. Shocker everyone does not have common sense! Tuesday the teacher returned and I had to give her the rundown of everything that occurred. The afternoon shift is so disorganized and for some reason they make themselves believe I’m the more responsible one. No I don’t think so. Monday and Tuesday I had intentions on working on my project again but after dealing with those people I didn’t have the strength nor tolerance for myself. It’s unusual how they can zap energy out of you virtually.

I had plans. I had thoughts, possibly ideas. I had expectations of myself for the past few days. I didn’t accomplish squat. Surprisingly, I don’t feel bad nor stressed over it. Of course I wanted to work on my project but I didn’t expect things to be so tiring.

As of today (Wednesday), I plan on reevaluating things. I can’t control everything. What I can control is how I handle situations. Now I have a clearer mindframe to focus on what needs to be done.

Thesis:

• I have 20 poems: each has a specific quote & will use 1-3 emotions from Plutchik’s wheel to help describe
• My Lit. review is practically done but I need to review it again and make minor edits
• I have my mission statement & a writer’s oath
• I have some background context about myself
• My annotated bib & work cited is completed
• I am rereading my contemporary issue to keep me focused

From the beginning of the semester to now, I feel more at ease with the project directions. Honestly, I do feel a bit more anchored within its confidence. With that acknowledgement, I try not to focus on when the final product is due.

It’s true, I did have particular expectations and I also dealt with a new unexpected expectation. The quote below is what I knew but but I actually learned.

Hello again,

Guess what? I am altering my thesis project again. Though it may seem as if I should be frustrated, I’m really not. The blog before gave you the impression that I knew what I was doing. Well, the answer is yes and no. I know what I want to share and the challenge lies in what or how to share.

This past Thursday, our class split into particular groups to use the Troika consulting protocol. Honestly, I thought it would be tricky but thanks to Darline and Patricia for helping me simply my life ( a lot), things are headed in a more productive direction.

Patricia helped me realized that I could create a interactive wheel, similar to Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotion. If you’re thinking about asking me how then hold off until the next blog. Hopefully by then I have an idea.

During my presentation I mentioned one of my goals is to finish my Lit. review by my birthday. Now here’s what I’ve learned within two weeks of working on my project. So far it’s ok to have expectations of my work and myself, but I have to know and understand that expectations do change. A the the same time, sometimes not having any in order to go with the flow is just as acceptable. This becomes a lesson in trusting my instincts.

My Lit. review already has a lot of information. There is a possibility that if I decide to add more info, I might flood the writing with extra words. I think it’s safe to say the overall project is completed. The stage I am currently in is figuring out how to place the pieces I created. I am the puzzle maker and need to figure where to set my pieces.

Greetings,

My fellow writers, thesis thinkers, researchers, readers and believers. This blog comes to you on a beautiful Wednesday morning as I look out at the colorful autumn leaves. Can you believe how fast the week has come and gone? Now Thursday is practically here (more like tomorrow).

Last Thursday I presented my thesis project to my graduate peers and it was a success. Thank you everyone for the encouragement and motivation to continue. A few days prior to presenting, I practiced what to say, how to say it and to make sure I don’t go over the allotted time. When the day came, I wasn’t nervous but more excited to share something that I’ve been trying to master. Knowing I’m a modest/shy person, I wanted-or more like needed to unveil my true self.

Have you ever heard yourself say things that you know will or may come back to you? Well, I had a few of those moments while presenting. I decided to share a snippet of my poems and how Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotion relates.

My presentation was filled with a lot of valuable information however, Dr. Zamora and my peers helped me realize that everything that I want to express can be shared from a simpler angle. Almost like instead of struggling in the ocean, I can work my way through a river. They say “All rivers lead to the ocean.”

In layman’s terms, I choose my poems to tell my story. In previous blog posts I mentioned that my project is about using expressive writing as an aide to cope with PTSD which will help increase my self-esteem and build my voice (in all aspects, particularly writing). My goal is to reread my poems and discover the emotions behind the words.

I am a person who writes and is learning to consider myself a writer. Words especially in poetry, brings forth my passion, a sense of comfort and the ability to exhale. I refuse to edit while I write for fear I lose the force of purging my current thoughts. This style is a form of growth for me. When I return to the poem as the reader and not the writer, the emotions behind each word becomes fathomable. I sometimes shock myself. In that moment, I see a version of myself slowly unveiling.

Two semesters ago, I had an idea to use quotes, poems, writing samples and etc. to help other people (not only writer’s) connect to their inner selves. It’s strange how I forgot about that idea and then did a full circle to return to something that made sense. Life works in mysterious ways. This is why you- know you -possibly better than someone else knowing you. I believe there are layers to our inner mind and as we experience life those layers become folded and tucked away.

Plutchik’s Wheel is helping me acknowledge many feelings. Through this I will once again reread my poems to add the voice (of reason) within the personality.

• What is the point?
• How do I feel?
• Why did I say that?
• Why are those feelings significant?

Basically poetry is a form of expressive writing and one of my coping methods.

Eventually I would like to include my memoir which explains portions of the PTSD. I might go through a similar process like the poems. If I use Plutchik’s wheel, I have a strong feeling that sad emotions won’t be the main emotions. According to the wheel, I think the emotional word choice will greatly vary.

So right now the potion is in motion. I will continue to work with my poems. Afterwards, I need to research more information about Plutchik’s Wheel to be added as important background info.

I know what to do but I have to think about how or where to begin.

This week has been thrown off by sleep. Shockingly it isn’t the lack of but the sheer feeling of being drunk with sleep. This weather is beautiful and it does inspire me to work but lately I am beyond sleepy. Maybe that’s a poem in the making.

For now, I bid you all adieu and wish you luck and blessings on your journey.

Hello Worldly Writers,

Once again we were asked to share our progress on our thesis project. Well like the title says,

On Thursday, October 8, I will present what I have accomplished thus far on my project. Surprisingly, I feel at ease with my progress. I have a better understanding on what and how I would like it to represent me.

Therefore, my blog this week is short, sweet and oh so simple. If you would like to sneak a peek then you may. Enjoy!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1z48GnMIMsAWFif0OZ5IFFTUDGdOhjwdN/view?usp=sharing

Hello there in the Writer’s World,

Last week I shared my pic of my weekly schedule that represents my 4-5 hour routine of work to get through. I am trying my best to work towards being consistent. To make my daily tasks a bit easier and where I still have wiggle room for my other responsibilities, I decided to write an agenda (itinerary) for the next day. This list will have the max. 6 things that are of the utmost importance to achieve that day. Although I may not accomplish everything on my schedule in one day, I aim to recognize my ability to try and give myself credit when it’s due.

Wednesday night, I was telling my mom about my daily agenda and just like “my typical mom”, she reminded me of remembering to rest (sleep) because it does help. She also kind of got on my case for being too hard on myself (self-expectation), and not to add things to the list if I have no intentions of doing it. Now I guess, I became more conscious of what I add to the agenda. Nor do I beat myself up over it.

I will admit there are times, I am mentally stuck in my head just thinking. My thoughts are about ideas, changes, strategies, articles, questions and etc. about my project. This past Thursday, I felt as if I was only hearing information being told to me. Nothing was entering and staying nor was I comprehending the simplest words. It literally was like this…

When I asked questions that I already know the answers to, I felt like, “Meagan, what the hell are you talking about?” People say there are no dumb questions. Well I beg to differ. To me that applies when you say it to someone else to help them feel at ease. When it’s about yourself, you either laugh or check your foolishness afterwards. It is a definite, “DUH moment!”

After class, I decided to go to bed. Obviously my brain couldn’t take anymore but most importantly I wasn’t disappointed in myself. Eventually I began listening to my thoughts. From there I realized that my project is going well and I mainly have things to edit/revise.

Here’s where I am so far. I interpret my project as a spiritual vessel for my mind (mental development) to grow and is destined to put the thoughts/feelings of the process into words. My intentions are not to sound deep in explanation but this is how I the wires within me connect. This is my system.

Discovering my written voice.

Mission Statement:

Per Google, a mission statement is a short statement of why an organization exists, what it’s overall goal is, identifying the goal of its operations: what kind of product or service it provides, its primary customers or market, and its geographical region of operation.

I would like to connect with every and anyone who wants to express themselves through words. I italicized particular words/phrases because that’s where my focal point. My mission is to continue to inspire and motivate myself because I am always with me. My mission doesn’t stop even if my project is completed. I value my mission. On Monday while I was cleaning, I found a book where I had written an active mantra which I will transition to my actual mission statement.

Research & Methods:

What I wrote last semester for Dr. Nelson’s class definitely needs to be refined. Noticed I how I didn’t mention changing or starting over. The research and information are good but they are being updated in Journals and in the medical field. Therefore I must do my due diligence.

Lit. Review:

Originally I wanted to write two separate parts to this paper. Then it dawned on me that my overall project is transforming and my paper is becoming more detailed. Thanks to Craig and MaryKate, for helping me realize that I am on the right track. Adding more articles is helping my paper progress though its metamorphosis.

Methodology:

Thanks to Darline and Dr. Zamora for clarifying what an autoethnography involves. I will look for more articles as a guide and document all my memories and ideas to include in my story.

Extra Sections

Memoir:

I have my memoir to also revise. This 20 pg recap of my traumatic situation is tough to get through. I was given great feedback from my peers and professor. It took a lot for me to document that memory but I am proud of myself. What I wrote was in fact a snippet of the explicit truth. Though I accomplished it, I am most certainly apprehensive to edit. I thought it would be easier to edit on paper rather than on Google Doc. Unfortunately, when I see the paper, memories that were blocked are beginning to reappear. I absolutely have no intentions of adding information and I will be cautious as to what I am editing. The mind is such a wonderful creation but it can be dangerously scary too. At least to me.

Poetry:

I have my poetry which is significant in the various changes of voice within my personality. thank goodness that is completed.

Inquiry:

I’m also considering adding my Writing Inquiry Workshop paper. Food for thought.

Quotes:

Everyone should know by now that I love quotes. Something about certain phrases, the memory attached to the thought, the advice that triggers, or the blessings of a lesson. I have at least 3 pgs worth of quotes that have inspired me to be ambitious all throughout life. I may put them into proper categories.

This is my project in a nutshell. The mental process becomes the written progress of a writer.

Last week I experienced an emotional tantrum. Within two weeks, I’ve had multiple people tell that I am too hard on myself.I know this is true but cannot it is hard to break the habit. With that in mind I remembered this quote,

Every word applies to me. It’s interesting how I was able to connect this simple quote to being an essential factor in my thesis. I needed to remind myself that not every strategy/technique is used to solve or understand an issue/problem/dilemma/tantrum. What may work for one may not necessarily work for another. Or sometimes the shit just doesn’t make sense.

I want or possibly need this project to succeed more so of the point where I am losing sight of what it means to me and how it defines my character and personality. I never considered myself a deep person but I do know I can get lost in my own thoughts. For that reason, I would like to create a mission statement introducing my project to the world. As I am researching what a mission statement entails, I am also jotting down thoughts to consider and/or include.

My overall mission for this project is to:

• share a story
• discover some new personality traits
• express thoughts
• delve and liberate hidden emotions
• recognize strengths & weaknesses
• greet my willpower
• appreciate my process of trying
• if I inspire others great but I want to inspire my creative side (wake it up)

Tomorrow is the first day of my favorite season, autumn. This past weekend I actually slept because of the cool night breeze. I woke up feeling good and had ideas on how to create my project schedule. The original work schedule I had in mind wasn’t good enough. I decided on a schedule that I gave me “realistic” wiggle room for work and myself. Dr. Zamora recommended 4-5 hours and that’s what I have.

Last week’s discussion with the librarian, Craig was very helpful. When I had to find articles for Dr. Nelson’s class, I was more concerned about the how to, what to and should I do. Whereas now I am more confident in locating the articles I need. Craig also gave me the idea of not redoing my Lit. review but rather do what Zamora asked in her post. I can easily continue it and create sections.

I am a person that enjoys writing on paper. Sometimes typing makes me frazzled because I focus on editing. Make sure to have 2 different size legal pads, a small journal in my bag and extra writing tools. All of my notes are collected in this

Since I struggle with focusing on the bigger picture sometimes, I chose this simple approach to keep track of the smaller agendas. I am more organized which does help to navigate my note taking. My goal is to not overload my mind.

At this point, I am choosing to reflect on my actions and recognize how I feel while working on my project. I am thankful for the recent beautiful autumn weather because I can snuggle and actually relax my mind. They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste and it’s true. When I’m more relaxed, I realize how my voice within my writing is more in tune with my emotions.

Sleep is also an essential key to success, especially while executing my project. I might have to add that on the schedule as a reminder.

Conflicted. Tired. Frustrated. Confused. Numb. Lost. These are some various feelings I began to confront, recognize and release. Honestly, although I seem fine and always smile, this week I have been feeling uncomfortable within my skin, trying to pace my racing mind and ease my unsure soul. I don’t know if it’s only because of my insomnia but I’m sensing a storm of emotions ahead.

Last week I was excited to see my peers and have our usual insightful discussions with the professor. I felt good during our peer group. When it was my turn I lost that sense of delightfulness. I wish I remained excited and eager for the next required process of my thesis but that’s a bold face lie.

I appreciate the people in my peer group and enjoyed listening to their ideas. It was amazing how different our projects were yet had a simple similarity. Our stories were constructed from personal experiences but how we choose to share our journey or process has a “bridge-like” factor. We are and will always be connected to our projects. It isn’t like the game hot potato, where you pass it and don’t necessarily get a turn again. There is an essential power to the bridge that keeps it sturdy.

Yes, I did pick up on those inspiring vibes and yes I also became disconnected. My project which I amped up in the last blog or two, is evolving before my eyes. Evolution is good but I struggle with balancing. I am well aware that life changes on a day to day basis. I am also aware of realistic expectations and all that jazz. Nor do I need to hear anyone explain the extra fluff about evolution. As I type this, I glance at the big poster near my vision board that clearly and in bright colors says:

Those words are easier said than done. My project is about finding my voice as a person and then as a writer. My research began with the question, ” What effects, if any, does expressive writing have on a creative writer’s self-esteem after PTSD?” According to my Google search on http://thebalancecareers.com ,

The Author’s Voice: A Writer’s Unique Identifier

A writer’s tone, choice of words, selection of subject matter, and even punctuation make up the authorial voice. How an author writes conveys their attitude, personality, and character. The author’s voice is often so distinctive that it’s possible to identify the author by merely reading a selection of their work. 

I realized my project is really about me. I consider voice having a different personality to the other me. The other me who is lacking self-esteem. I want and need my project one way but I feel as if the journey is pulling me elsewhere. I would like to find a personal inner compromise: BALANCE.

Maybe I’ll refer to my project as, The Author: Discovering Voice & Self-esteem through writing. Now this leads to edit my already completed literature review from my research proposal. I have an idea as to how I would like it to be but I haven’t the foggiest clue on where to begin.

I included the anchor because I would like a sense of security and support. My project is changing/evolving and so are my emotions. Sometimes I wish I could feel secure within my own mind. My fluctuating levels of anxiety and mistrust for myself pushes me to ruminate in old feelings and I don’t want to.

Recently I have been told that I work better with a routine. This is definitely true but I struggle with obsessing over my routine. My OCD kicks into overdrive. Been there and done that. No need to revisit the seizures and tunnel-like living. My goal is to create a simple routine each week and make it a mandatory rule to leave room for modifications.

Since this all about me, my methodology is autoethnography. Per Google, autoethnography is a research method and methodology which uses the researcher’s personal experience as data to describe, analyze and understand cultural experience. It is a form of self-narrative that places the self within a social context.

I like to talk about the need to exhale when I write. At this very moment (12:41 am) I am having an unusual epiphany. I never actually exhaled completely. I have unconsciously chosen to take short breaths to get by. No wonder my mindful moments don’t linger the way they should.

I am searching for something and I don’t know what it is, yet. For now, enjoy this video. When I work on my computer, it helps to calm me.