It’s hard to imagine that I’ve made it to this point. I’ll be honest in saying that my biggest obstacle to everything, not counting external circumstances, was myself. Up until now I never had confidence in myself, I felt that I was somehow skating by and keeping myself invisible from sight. I still think that holds true, but what is most important is that I made personal discoveries for myself, and for that I will always be grateful to one of the most complicated periods of my life thus far.
The constant self-degrading thinking, isolation and almost absent-presence has helped me realize what it is I might want in life after this – happiness in solitude. I found out that I live this life for myself, and I need to stop sacrificing so much of myself for the sake of others. It’s tiring, and it lead to many moments I regret. Not anymore, once the semester ends I’ll be going away for a good while to really discover myself, and I hope by the end of it I can finally be happy with myself, even if just a little.
It’s a large part as to why I’m so happy where my thesis had lead me. I came into writing and art-making while trying to fit a ‘criteria’ of sorts for the labels, and I found myself become less of myself. I had a good grasp of what I wanted after leaving Rutgers, but Kean University really put that identity-crisis to the test and it made me understand that independence even more. This made me realize the inner connections of the self and creation, and I can live the rest of my life content knowing I have power over my own accordance in arts. I’m not a writer, photographer, poet, printer or painter. I’m simply just a creator.
Having the time to discover digital storytelling has been the most liberating part of my journey as it marries every single thing I love about creation into a form that I can feel empowered by. I’ve been talking and sharing with many digital authors, learning about their experiences and picking up a few habits myself. Expect more of these kinds of works in the future, I think that is the direction I want to head in.
I will continue tweaking this project well after the semester ends because I will never be wholly satisfied by it. It’s a reflection of my evolving thinking-process and I want to honor myself and the ones I lost in that piece. For now it is a cornerstone of my person. A testament to those I’ve lost and the ones I’m recovering. I hope everyone can learn something about themselves if they ever interact with it.
I’m not sure what else I can add, I’m not good at expressing. I guess I want to simply say thank you to everyone from the bottom of my heart, you have become my writing family and I feel validated in some ways when I’m around you all. I hope you understand that while I may never engage, I wish the best to everyone and I’m always looking towards your success.