To be honest, last week I hadn’t expected the response to my depressing account of my time at Rutgers that I received. It was very gratifying to feel that my story was really taken in and appreciated(?). I thought on what Dr. Zamora suggested that I have at least one other paradigmatic event that I encode and relate to Elbow and the other authors whose works I am comparing to my story or my raison d’être. That said, I am at something of a loss. I do not want to imply that this week was not in its own way productive for me; I continued to do research and create categories of codification, as well as continued to explore new avenues of literature.
Like a buffoon I lost track of one particular document I had been referencing about grounded theory which had a good diagram to help give me some direction. Until I find it (if I find it) I’ve been using this one from a Temple University resource. There are different levels of theory in grounded theory – bounded, substantive, and formal. Where I believe I am is towards the beginning of substantive theorizing. In this ghost article I had annotated it labeled bounded theory as being hunches and seeds of an idea. I believe I am past that, though my substantive or explanatory theorizing has a tendency to lead to rumination. I included those two pieces last semester about the differences between rumination and reflection, as well as insight vs. self-awareness / self-consciousness. The crux of my autoethnography shouldn’t likely relate just to the depressive tendencies between myself and the world but certainly it is a part of what I’m relating generally, so it’s been hard to deeply evaluate it without falling into it.
Otherwise I can admit that my journaling this week was thin. I have a tendency to feel drained after not even prolonged exposure to my gagfeelings and especially when I have to put myself out there emotionally. Writing is something of an emotional offering up of oneself whether or not it turns into some personal exhibition so it’s not surprising to me that that is the case. It might be an interesting lead to freewrite about that experience of mine. I don’t know if other people experience the same kind of mental exhaustion when writing or expressing themselves but I become sometimes despondent after even having a sincerely cheerful mien. This blog post is turning into something of a freewrite / attempt at bounded theorizing. That’s good though, freewriting is freewriting and I’ll take my inspiration where I can find it. Sometimes the blank page is inspiration enough.
I’d like to include this freewrite I did last week. I know it’s from last week and not this week but just as an example of my less formal autoethnographic efforts, this is what I do: