Feeling the Pressure

This week was hard. Even though I had a plan and I thought having an extra day off would help give me the writing boost I needed, I was sadly mistaken. No matter how hard I try to stay ahead of the game, I still feel like I'm playing catch up or I can't stay ahead.

The hardest part for me is that I know exactly what I want to do. But for some reason, I can't execute it in the manner that I envision. There are so many obstacles that arise. And while calling them obstacles, its more like life obligations. You know, if I had a maid, a chef, and personal Uber driver, then I think I'd be able to finish these revisions. The reality is, I don't have any of those things, so I have to figure out for myself. It is a constant battle between fatigue and inspiration that is wearing me down. I also get caught up in the things that I have to do around the house. Not to mention the motherly duties that I have to do like homework, taking children to and from practices that all of my time gets eaten up. I think the hardest part has been for me to disconnect from my world and write new material. I keep second guessing myself and having writer's block.

In order for me to write new material, I have to be able to lose myself in the story. And as of right now I haven't been able to do it. Even though on Sunday and Monday I sat down in my office and tried. I was able to write some, but I didn't even finish the chapter. And I still have another new chapter to add. My deadline of Oct. 15th is slowly creeping up and I am not at all ready or excited about the new material I wrote. As a result, I put my work down and picked up the words of Toni Morrison.

I took the time to study and reflect upon the Afterword written by Toni Morrison for The Bluest Eye. Reading her words and the process in which this literary classic was born made take a deeper look into the meaning of my work. Now, Misunderstood is nothing like The Bluest Eye in terms of the storylines but so much of what she said resonated with me. Her analysis of the conception of her piece gave me an insight into her writing process. When I read Morrison in school it was after she'd written the 1993 Afterword. And I remember looking at that part in class but then I just read as her explaining why she wrote the book. However, I now see it as a reasoning almost like a literary analysis of what she was trying to accomplish as the writer of this book. As I read through her words things started to click and make sense to me as far as my work is concerned. Reading about specific literary moves she decided to make gave me another way to think about what I need to do and should do in my revisions.

It was beneficial to me to step out of my own head and get into another's writers psyche to learn how they approached writing literature. And The Bluest Eye is one of my favorite works that has been added to the cannon in recent history. So to get insight into the mind of Ms. Morrison really allowed me to consider my approach to my own writing-- which I am not suggesting will be added to the cannon. Yet, I do want to approach the writing from a literary perspective where I am making intentional authorly moves to propel the plot forward with good storytelling.

So for this coming week, I am hoping that I find the peace and the time I need to get over this hump because I still have more work to do. I just can't continue to allow deadlines to pile up and without things being moved off of my plate. My plan is to write after work on Friday and all day on Sunday. Saturday will be really emotional as I have to attend the funeral of one of my husband's closest friends. He died tragically and suddenly last weekend so this will be a tough one. I will have to allow myself that day and then try and get back into the work.